Machiavellian Bosses

Machiavellian Bosses don't think they're God. They are extremely intelligent and know better. But they will end you for soiling the carpet in their offices. Machiavellian Bosses are ticked off they can't bump God out of His job and don't mind taking out their frustration on the rest of us. Machiavellian Bosses view the universe as an enormous pyramid. There is one spot at the top and it belongs to them, by divine right. Machiavellian Bosses have committed every ounce of their being to achieving the top spot. They don't care what or whom they must climb over to get there. They simply won't be denied. If you are run over, run through, or otherwise become a casualty of the Machiavellian's race to the top, don't take it personally. It's not about you. It was never about you. And it will never be about you, except for the moment you are actually in her way. That moment is yours and will live over and over again in your nightmares. The only time Machiavellian Bosses will ever be content or benevolent is when they are in the top spot. Even then, it's a coin toss. They might have read somewhere that there is a higher spot to acquire. As long as there is more power to be had, Machiavellian Bosses will not rest. Moreover, they will leave no maneuver or weapon of mass destruction unused in their quest for the top. Machiavellian Bosses are too intelligent and shrewd to be considered Idiot Bosses. They are not clueless, except for things that don't matter to them—like the health and well-being of other people or the goals and objectives of the organization.

They are highly focused, highly driven, and highly efficient. Translated, that means lean, mean, killing machines. They remove obstacles from their path by whatever means are necessary and readily available. Don't cross the street in front of a speeding Machiavellian, even if you have the light. If you find yourself working for a Machiavellian, there are several ways to protect yourself. You can say things like, "You know, boss, the carpet in the CEO's office matches your eyes." If the CEO of your company drives a Lexus 430 LS you can say, "You seem like a Lexus 430 LS kinda person to me, boss." You can skip the symbolism and appeal to his insatiable appetite for power with, "This organization would run like clockwork if you were in charge." Telling God and Machiavellian Bosses what they want to hear is always your best bet. Realizing the Machiavellians perceive the universe as a 'pyramid, you must take care in all you do to avoid competition. More than avoiding competition, which she will assume, you need to frame your language and behavior in ways that indicate you understand and accept her right to the top spot. Like the God Boss, the Machiavellian is dead serious about her self-perception and has little or no genuine regard for you. On the up side, presenting the proper attitude and actions to your Machiavellian Boss will make your working environment as pleasant as possible and, on a more positive side, possibly keep you from getting run over.

■ Use the words "for you" often. To merely say, "I'll take care of it," can actually be interpreted by a Machiavellian as a threat to go over her head. You might have no such intention. But if a Machiavellian Boss suspects that you're going over her head, she'll have yours served up on a platter. To a Machiavellian, saying, "I'll take care of it for you," sounds far less threatening, almost as if you're doing it in her name.

■ Use "for you" in the past tense. In describing anything you did, include the words, "for you." This makes the Machiavellian think that you are acting on her behalf, even when you're out of her sight, and her comfort level around you will improve.

■ Alert her to intelligence. When you find something out, tell her. Send an e-mail or mention it in passing. Being in constant competition with everyone, Machiavellians appreciate information that might be useful to them. The information might not mean much to you, but you're not engaged in her struggle for supremacy.

■ Copy her first. Make sure your Machiavellian Boss is in the loop on everything. Even if it seems like a trivial piece of information to you, let the Machiavellian tell you if she doesn't want to hear it. If she senses that you are withholding information, she'll conclude you are competing with her and things will get unpleasant. This is about detoxing your environment, remember?

■ Accept her invitations. It might disrupt your schedule, but turning down a Machiavellian's invitation to lunch or an event can be interpreted as resistance or a possible power move on your part. Be reasonable in the context of your own life, but understand that disinterest on your part can be a threat to a Machiavellian.

■ Frame your contributions in terms of whom she can impress. "That oughta make Mr. Big a happy camper," is much better than saying, "I hope Mr. Big likes what I did." When complimenting a Machiavellian, be aware of the people higher on her food chain and construct your comments in terms of how they will be impressed and appreciative of what she did, even if you did it. As with all of these tactics, you must use your best judgment and balance your needs with the sacrifice you're willing to make. Just be aware of how your attitudes and behaviors appear through your boss's eyes. Although you and your boss might march to different drummers, the boss sets the rhythm around the office. Learning a new cadence will serve you better than forming your own drum line. You'll probably just frustrate yourself and your boss, who in turn will drum you out.

Masochistic Bosses

Saying what a Masochistic Boss wants to hear,—"You're a piece of slime..."—is not exactly appropriate and could come back to haunt you if overheard. Unfortunately, complimenting masochists only annoys them, and they usually respond by doing something particularly despicable to set the record straight. As the name implies, masochists have developed a belief that they should be punished...must be punished. Who knows why? The important thing is that they will suck everyone within their sphere of influence into their sick behavior. Their need to be punished is so intense that they will punish themselves if nobody else will. In extreme cases, nobody else can do it well enough to be trusted. Masochistic Bosses attract codependents like flies to a Sunday picnic. The codependents try like crazy to fill up the black hole in the masochist's soul, which is impossible. Yet, the Herculean effort continues day-in and day-out. The codependents shovel affirmations down the masochist's throat for all they're worth and the masochist vomits them all back up. Masochistic Bosses are not idiots in the classical sense. But they're about as uplifting as a boat anchor. Departments run by Masochistic Bosses are easy to spot. For starters, nothing ever gets done except for the occasional 911 call. Getting something accomplished might mean a reduction in pain and misery, so that's out. Masochistic Bosses make sure their departments fail so upper management will deal out punishment. The best way to deal with a Masochistic Boss is to get out. There is no way these people will ever feel good about themselves. Neither will they ever allow you to accomplish anything that might make them look or feel good. When you accomplish something that makes you look or feel good, your Masochistic Boss is likely to say, "Oh, swell. Good for yo-o-o-ou. I suppose you're going to get promoted now and knock me off the management ladder. Well, go ahead. Do what makes you happy." It makes you want to take your accomplishment, wad it up, and throw it in the trash. Except that your Masochistic Boss will probably have already put the trashcan over his head and will be beating it against a wall. Once again, the secret to surviving and thriving in a Masochistic Boss's department begins with attitude, followed by language and behavior. You must learn to be positive without smiling. In fact, being positive in a masochist's world means getting the focus off his pain as often as possible.

■ Frame your comments in the context of avoiding problems. If you have a proposal you want to advance, say, "This will assure we're in compliance with the organization's parameters without drawing any undue attention our way." Your Masochistic Boss will hear in your comment an absence of reward and appreciation, which to him is the next best thing to actual punishment.

■ Point out possible down-side outcomes. Saying, "This could result in some negative consequences that we'll have to deal with," can be a perfectly honest and truthful statement. Your Masochistic Boss will hear the possible negatives, while your fellow team members will simply take it as a heads up.

■ Don't engage your Masochistic Boss's negative conversation. Listen respectfully, but don't pick up the negativity. You don't want any more negative energy around you than necessary. He wants to wallow in it. You can strike a compromise of sorts by being attentive when it's appropriate and steering clear whenever you can.

■ Acknowledge what can happen. Your Masochistic Boss will tell you repeatedly what bad things are likely to happen in any given scenario or initiative. Note for future reference what he is most afraid of, to hear him tell it, and point out up front the possibility that his specific fears could be realized. Then offer that it might turn out another way by the luck of the draw.

■ Include but don't invite. Copy your Masochistic Boss on all e-mails and announcements of activities that you cook up with your coworkers, but don't specifically invite him. Issue a blanket invitation. The last thing you want to do is act as if you're cheering him up. Don't specifically exclude him either.

■ Give him a virtual hug. Physical contact is rarely appropriate in office settings, but a well-timed nod of the head, sigh, or shrug of the shoulders can have a similar effect. A virtual hug for your Masochistic Boss is a nonverbal way to say, "I know you're under an immense amount of pressure that you don't deserve and I'm powerless to help you." I rarely advise quitting, but, as W.C. Fields said, "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damn fool about it." Or words to that effect. The best way to deal with a Masochistic Boss is to get out. There is no way these people will ever feel good about themselves. Neither will they ever allow you to accomplish anything that might make them look or feel good. My advice: Get out before you injure yourself on a booby trap he has set around the office for himself. Get out that is, unless you're a sadist. Then you can play with the masochist the way a cat plays with a defenseless mouse.

Sadistic Bosses

Hello, Cruella. Telling Sadistic Bosses what they want to hear, like "...ouch," will only get them charged up to lay on more punishment— sometimes overt and sometimes subtle. Take for example the practical joker Sadistic Bosses that put up signs reading, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." Ha-ha. What these morons apparently don't realize is people see through the pseudo-humor for what it is— a reminder of who has the power. If it's so funny, why isn't anyone laughing except the boss? There's always the suggestion box with no bottom placed strategically over a wastebasket. Do you hear anyone laughing? I'll never understand why people think making light of power disparity in the workplace is supposed to make it okay. Like the mouse that has been caught, but not killed, the Sadistic Boss won't let you get away. She will keep you alive to torture you. If you try to transfer out of her department, she will show up at your door holding your transfer request with REJECTED written across it in big red letters. You'll pinch yourself to wake from the nightmare only to find that you're just pinching yourself and she is still standing there—with an evil smile. If you try to go around her or above her head, she will go to the Pope if necessary to get your transfer request rejected. Working for a Sadistic Boss is the closest thing to hell I can think of. Forget about working your way out of the problem. The harder you work, the more she'll pile on you. Forget about insubordinating your way out of the problem.

The more you goof off, the more justification you give her to beat you. Forget about bleeding your way out of the problem. Injuring yourself is a waste of time, not to mention painful. Pain is like catnip for a sadist. Working yourself to near death, goofing off, or self-inflicting wounds only play into the Sadistic Boss's game. But it's not hopeless. Try pretending you're a masochist. If your performance is convincing and the sadist thinks you're enjoying the pain, you'll be out in a flash. Only the pain and suffering of others will charge a sadist's batteries. Take a cue from Brer Rabbit. He put the fox in a paradoxical bind when he pleaded for the solution he wanted as if it were punishment by saying, "Please don't throw me in the brier patch." Of course, the brier patch is where Brer wanted to be. In laymen's terms, a paradoxical bind simply means damned if you do and damned if you don't. It worked for Brer Rabbit and you just might be hippity hopping to freedom before you know it. There are ways to deal with Sadistic Bosses to improve your working environment. As always, knowing what you're up against helps. The maxim, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," doesn't apply here. You need to keep as much distance as possible without provoking the sadist to jerk your choke collar.

■ Develop ways to assure your Sadistic Boss that her workload is indeed oppressive, even if it's not. In real terms, if she thinks you're skating through anything, she'll associate that with failure to sufficiently burden you. It sounds silly, but there are many bosses who truly believe any happiness or frivolity around the office can only mean one thing: jailbreak. Jail keepers deal with jailbreaks in one way: lockdown.

■ When a Sadistic Boss calls, come. Disobeying a Sadistic Boss, or even delaying your responses, gives her an excuse to lash out. She has enough motivation to cause pain without you adding more. Understand that, to a sadist, pain is power. Your pain—her power. Fighting her power plays into her game. Always be ready to respond quickly, although not merrily, to a Sadistic Boss. You will get through the day more painlessly.

■ Assure her that pain is a good motivator. Many employees think it's a mission from God to convince the Sadistic Boss that her methods are unsound. Not only will you lose that argument every time, you have just given her a reason to prove all over again how powerful she is. Smart workers will hand in their work with an acknowledgement that the pressure she exerted accelerated the process. Refer in your e-mails and other correspondences to the fact that workloads are weighty, but you're continuing your struggle.

■ Don't organize activities in a Sadistic Boss's department. Keep them underground and ad hoc. Organizing a sports activity or a party is like serving her a punishment opportunity on a silver platter. This means, don't dress up in your softball uniform before leaving the office. If your Sadistic Boss sees you're on your way out to have fun, you'll wind up working late and missing the game.

■ Act busy. Idleness invites punishment in the form of exaggerated workloads. I'm not saying fake working. To create a better working environment for yourself, you want to work on important and personally rewarding activities. In a sadistic environment, just make your work appear excessively burdensome. If you've ever tried to kick back and lighten things up around a Sadistic Boss, I don't need to remind you what happens.

■ Watch her eyes. Pain begets pain. The Sadistic Boss is probably the victim of pain imposed by another sadist, either in her family or elsewhere. This is not a happy person thumping on you for no reason. Whatever pain she dishes out, she has felt it before from someone more powerful. For whatever reason, pain has become a way of life. Sometimes, making eye contact will open an unspoken corridor between you and she'll back off a little. If making eye contact only makes her rage out at you, disengage. You are best served in a Sadistic Boss's department to appear busy and focused without good cheer, not that a serious attitude will be hard to come by. This doesn't mean you can't be upbeat and positive when you're outside of the sadist's orbit. Being positive and upbeat will enhance the possibility that someone might recruit you away from your Sadistic Boss. The fact that your boss is a sadist is probably not news to anyone, inside or outside of your department. People up the food chain know more than you might think, despite the fact they don't acknowledge it when you're around. If you are sour and dour everywhere with everyone, they won't know if the problem is you or your boss. Never talk your Sadistic Boss down in front of her superiors. If others see you being positive when away from your boss, they'll feel sorry for your situation and might even admire your tenacity for keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of such negativity. With a Sadistic Boss, play it smart, but play it nonetheless.

Paranoid Bosses

A Paranoid Boss is a piece of work. To Paranoid Bosses, everything and everybody is out to get them, including you. Working for a Paranoid Boss can be a real treat. Anything you do, for whatever reason, is an attempt to subvert your boss, or so he thinks. What can you do? Very little. Paranoia is a sticky wicket. It exists largely in the paranoid's imagination, which is not a sector accessible to you or anybody else. Paranoia can feed on itself and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Paranoid Boss spends his energy searching out and exposing the conspiracy against him. Sometimes he actually finds one. But most of the time, he has to invent one. Either way, the focus and leadership that should have been committed to departmental objectives is wasted and the whole operation goes in the tank—thus confirming the paranoid boss's contention that someone conspired to sabotage his operation.

He doesn't need to have any evidence, only a failed operation. That's enough to feed the paranoia until next time. Escaping the Paranoid Boss is not hard. If you can make him believe you're part of the conspiracy, he will do everything he can to have you punished, which in most organizations will result in your transfer because termination is such a litigious exposure these days and everybody knows he's paranoid anyway. Although it's ethically suspect, you might want to try coughing at meetings. Your Paranoid Boss will immediately stop whatever he's doing and say, "What? What's going on?" Look around the room and say, "Nothing." Approximately 90 seconds later, signal one of your coconspirators to cough. Tap out Morse Code on the top of the conference table and have one of your coconspirators tap back. When your Paranoid Boss turns and asks, "What? What's going on?" shrug your shoulders. The more you deny his accusations the more he will suspect you and work to have you removed from his department. Times and circumstances change. For most professionals, the employment landscape is nearly unrecognizable from what it was a few years ago. Industry-wide fiscal setbacks, corporate cutbacks, and downsizing often limit the options you once had to move easily and freely around the organization. If escaping your paranoid boss is not as easy as you had hoped, you can employ tactics to make the relationship tolerable. • Keep your activities in plain sight. It might not occur to you that a Paranoid Boss can see an innocent conversation by the coffee machine as a threat. Once again, use your imagination. These people don't think like you. Stay one step ahead of your Paranoid Boss by intentionally avoiding the appearance of secret activity.

■ Like the Machiavellian Boss, copy your Paranoid Boss on everything. Let him tell you when to stop. A constant flow of information serves two purposes. First, he will think, by its sheer volume, information is being disclosed more than withheld. Second, he will be sufficiently occupied with reading the information that he'll have less time to ruminate about conspiracies.

■ Spend more time with him. It's hard for a Paranoid Boss to imagine you conspiring if you're in his face. Imagination is a key term because that's where the conspiracies exist—in his imagination. If creating a more copasetic work environment is your main objective, invite your Paranoid Boss to spend time with you and your coworkers.

■ Share the knowledge. Use terms and phrases indicating that you not only share information freely with your Paranoid Boss, but also with the rest of the organization. Indicate in your correspondences how widely you distribute information. Come right out and say, "As I shared with [so-and-so]..." This will decrease his anxiety level, knowing that information shared over a larger population reduces the probability of a mass conspiracy.

■ Share secrets. Disclose to your Paranoid Boss some of your inner thoughts, within reason. Demonstrating your trust for him will invite his trust in return. It's hard to distrust someone who demonstrates trust in you. Paranoids are not completely hopeless. Sharing will also demonstrate a new way of being for a person who might adopt a new attitude around you, given enough encouragement. Be a genuine listener if he decides to share with you.

■ Put on the uniform. Rather than herd out of the office for the company softball game, which your Paranoid Boss will interpret as a sure sign you're all on your way to an underground meeting, put on your softball uniforms first. Not that you can't conspire against your Paranoid Boss while dressed in softball uniforms, but it at least appears that you're doing something legitimate. And of course invite him to come to the game. If he doesn't, bring pictures and a post game report to the office the following morning. Like any other personality disorder, you have no real control over a Paranoid Boss. But you can do a great deal to influence the environment in a positive way. That much power you do have. Deciding not to intentionally do things to shape your environment the way you prefer it to be will help bring about the environment you don't want. Inaction around the office is not innocuous.

Buddy Bosses

I don't need any more friends, do you? Buddy Bosses are so determined to occupy the same space in the universe with you that you'll welcome any excuse to elude them. This includes working. "Sorry boss," you rehearse saying in the mirror, putting on the most pitiful face you can conjure. "The CEO just gave me a deadline directly." Logic like this places a Buddy Boss in the same type of paradoxical bind Brer Rabbit laid on the fox. If you are fired, she loses a buddy and has to break in someone new to replace you. So distressed is she that you're not available, she doesn't even question why the CEO might be giving you orders directly. Your Buddy Boss wants to hang with you, but she doesn't want you to get in trouble and not like her. If she has the power to relax a deadline or get you out of a tough assignment altogether, it might be worth kicking around with her a bit. With most Buddy Bosses, however, people prefer to double their workload rather than becoming joined at the head. Buddy Bosses can be aggravating and annoying, but they are also some of the most malleable bosses around. You can exert positive influences on them more effectively than with almost any other type of boss. If you are equally as emotionally needy as your Buddy Boss, it could be a marriage made in heaven, although I would rather go to another heaven.

■ Invite your Buddy Boss to everything. She is going to come anyway. Trying to sneak events around a Buddy Boss can be disastrous. She'll be hurt if she finds out you didn't include her and you'll be saddled with a sulking boss, which would only appeal to a sadist.

■ Share information openly with her. This will make her feel included. Sharing information openly is a sound organizational practice. Remain mindful, though, that these various boss personalities—with the exception of the Good Boss—are not concerned first and foremost with best practices. In a practical sense, you can bind up a Buddy Boss to a degree by flooding her with information, which in turn keeps her out of your way temporarily while you try to work.

■ Request meetings. A Buddy Boss might enthusiastically gather her chicks around her, but if it's always at her suggestion, she might eventually become annoyed and even saddened. If you request a staff meeting at least once per week, the time can be put to productive organizational use and your Buddy Boss will be pleased that you took the initiative. To her, it means you care. She'll gladly let you plan and conduct the meeting, which puts the ball in your court to shape the environment.

■ Post pictures with her in them. Visual demonstrations and reminders of her inclusion in all things will assure her emotionally. Buddy Bosses are generally lonely people and a little attention can go a long way. A departmental bulletin board featuring photographs of her with various groups of team members can fill the empty spaces diminishing her need to bug you constantly.

■ Target e-mails and other correspondence to remind her that she's not alone. It doesn't take very many words to say, "Hi." The "How are you doing?" is implied. Sending pictures and funny stories to her e-mail address also promotes her sense of inclusion. If you know her home email address, include that on the cc line and make sure the net of friendliness captures her wherever she is.

■ Beware the confessional. Your Buddy Boss will devote endless hours to hearing your confessions and making hers to you. This is a potential disconnect from getting any appreciable work done. When a confession begins, ask politely if you can hear it later because there are too many pressing issues at that moment to give her your complete and undivided attention. This is a true statement and allows you more control over when you can be distracted. She will be pleased with the anticipation of your conversation.

■ Set time limits. When your Buddy Boss asks, "Do you have a minute?" Tell her you have three. This behavior modification technique is generally effective if applied consistently. If every time she asks for your time, and you set a limit, she will tend not to ask when her intention is to engage you in an open-ended conversation. Your Buddy Boss, if you can stand being around her, is not the most intolerable department head or supervisor you can work for. Getting along with her simply requires ignoring everything you're being paid to do and hanging out. Dedicated workers get hit the hardest by Buddy Bosses because they must work nights and weekends to do the things they would have done if they weren't discussing news, weather, and sports with their Buddy Bosses. You will probably just need to suck it up and work around your Buddy Boss' situation. With luck, you might get transferred to an Idiot Boss.

Idiot Bosses

Thank the Lord for small blessings. Unlike the God, Machiavellian, Masochistic, Sadistic, Paranoid, and Buddy Bosses, the I-Boss is simply a chronically clueless mutant from the evolutionary journey of the species. The wagon of human development hit a bump somewhere and the I-Boss was left sitting in the middle of the road, in a cloud of dust, rubbing the bump on his head. From there, he wandered into a nearby office and before long was running it. Welcome to Idiot World. Although there will be some occasional references to the various boss types, the rest of this article is mostly a guide to understanding, I-Bosses, for there are so many. The good news is your I-Boss probably won't think he's God, be shrewd enough to surgically slice her way to the top, mutilate himself and bleed all over your desk, cause lacerations leaving you bleeding all over your desk, see blood droplets on the carpet and think they mark the way for Ninjas to sneak in and attack when he is not looking, or plug her umbilical cord into your fuel cell and start living off your energy. The Second Step: "I realized that the challenge of an Idiot Boss was too big for me to handle by myself and I needed a power bigger than all Idiot Bosses combined to keep me from going crazy." I believe that God loves I-Bosses just the same as the rest of us. If not, why make so many of them? They are here to test our faith, secure our sanity, and teach survival skills. You see, all things work together for good. We might start thinking we really can control the world around us were it not for idiots. Our sanity depends on how sincerely and completely we turn our I-Bosses over to the omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent care of God, as we understand Her. Idiot Bosses keep us honest. If we don't have them around, how can they enrich our lives? Like the country song says, "I can't tell you how much I miss you if you won't go away." Be thankful for your I-Boss. He might be the easiest to work with and the least threatening to your health of all the other boss types. A reminder: Make sure your boss is an I-Boss before you start applying I-Boss intervention methods and techniques. Attempting to use I-Boss solutions on other boss types is like running a cross-platform application with incompatible software. At best, you will crash the system. At worst you might set off an intermolecular reaction causing the planet to implode, creating a black hole sucking all known matter in our galaxy into nonexistence, leaving only Idiot Bosses in charge after the next Big Bang. Not every boss is an idiot and not every idiot is a boss. The best you can do is be prepared to deal with whatever comes your way. Let go and let God. But remember you are His arms and legs. When He asks to borrow them, let Him.