An Exception to Everything

If there is no one around the office to inflict pain and suffering, a masochist will do the honors himself - to himself. Even so, he need not look very far for someone to lend him a hand as long as there are Idiot, God, Machiavellian, and Sadistic Bosses around. Idiot Bosses usually cause pain and anguish unintentionally. God Bosses cause pain and anguish as a method of guaranteeing loyalty and support. Machiavellians cause pain and anguish in their ongoing struggle to transfer all that belongs to others into the Machiavellians' offshore accounts. Sadists love to cause pain and anguish. I find Sadistic Bosses more tolerable than Masochistic Bosses. Perhaps, tolerable is not the right word. But they are more common and their behavior seems more natural in a demented sort of way. Masochistic Bosses are reluctant leaders until they realize the dramatic opportunities for self-abuse that leadership offers. A department full of team members can be turned into an angry mob with pitchforks if you annoy and antagonize them enough. Sadists want to be bosses from the get-go because it's the perfect setup to punish and abuse unwilling victims. Masochists love working for sadists because the sadist provides a steady and reliable dosage of pain. Sadists, on the other hand, can't stand anyone who actually enjoys pain. As a result, masochists don't last long in sadists' departments.

Vertical Mobility and Trial Lawyers

With HR departments hedging against runaway labor litigation, the safest way to get rid of undesirable parties in your department is to help them get promoted. Nobody sues for being promoted. With incompetent knuckleheads being herded up the management ladder in an effort to get them out of working departments with a minimum of paperwork and reduced out-of-court settlements, the real working folks in the mushroom stem are supporting a cap increasingly populated with nutty, unproductive, self-defeating bosses. Once the masochists are removed from a sadist's department, the remaining people have a natural reaction to pain - they scream. The Sadistic Boss now has the smorgasbord of victims she always dreamed of. The physical and psychological injuries sadists cause are difficult to prove in court. Sadistic Bosses keep team members working needlessly long hours, thus depriving them of precious time with their families. If a beleaguered team member tries to claim his or her divorce or loss of custody is directly related to prolonged absences from the home, a clever Sadistic Boss can testify in court how she heard rumors there was marital difficulty brewing and, despite her repeated efforts to send the team member home to rekindle his or her relationship, the team member instead took refuge from the marital friction in workaholism. It's a brilliant tactical maneuver and as close to the perfect crime as one can get. The inhuman workloads Sadistic Bosses enjoy thrusting upon their team members can lead to sleep deprivation, malnutrition, or institutionalization. In each case, a shrewdly intelligent Sadistic Boss can claim under oath the team member was overly ambitious, which will only drive the team member deeper into despair and selfdestructive behavior. If Sadistic Bosses didn't exist, would I create them? Definitely not. Give me an idiot any day.

Defying Explanation

I know of no body of physical or biological evidence to explain Paranoid Bosses. They exist in a theoretical or, more specifically, imaginative world of their own creation. Whether or not we ever develop the ability to explain them, Paranoid Bosses are insufferable. Nothing you can do will satisfy or please them and it's hard to stay motivated when everything you think, say, and do is under suspicion. As with most negative energy in the universe, the cycle of paranoia feeds on itself, becomes self-perpetuating, and takes on a life of its own. The perpetual motion machine might be a myth, but a Paranoid Boss's imagination will go on forever. If a Paranoid Boss is difficult to explain, try a Buddy/Paranoid Boss combination. Not a Buddy Boss and a Paranoid Boss, buddy and paranoid personalities coexisting in one individual. Not a dominant and sub-dominant personality, but an even split. As we've discussed, there are numerous ways to approach and deal with every boss type on various issues. The buddy/paranoid personality stumps me entirely. If I say, "Hi, boss. It's good to see you," in order to appease the buddy personality, the paranoid personality will ask, "Why?" "Oh," I stumble on. "I just am." "Wh" Y- "Because..." "Because why?" If you can keep up your end of the Ping-Pong match long enough, he might give up and walk away. On the other hand, if you play to the paranoid personality and confirm that there is a conspiracy, the buddy personality is likely to freak at the possibility that a group of people actually don't like her. Talk about a multiple personality problem. If you're a business owner, you might consider selling out just to get away from the paranoid/buddy combo.

Extreme Measures

I don't recommend dissolving your company as a strategy to get rid of a problem employee. That would be like burning down the house to get rid of termites. Unfortunately, with certain problem people, blowing up the building with them inside might seem like a tempting way to resolve the issue. When I was a teenager in a fledging rock band, we settled disputes with the "blow up/regroup" method. If someone became a problem, everyone else quit the band, moved across the street to someone else's garage, and re-formed without the accused. I did it on more than one occasion and had it done to me. As adults, we need to have better skill sets than that. Buddy Bosses often resemble Idiot Bosses, but are not as clueless. Buddy Bosses can be quite intelligent. They're just lonely, which plays into the vulnerabilities of codependents like me. I-Bosses aren't sharp enough to realize that they're lonely. That's like being so poor you don't realize you're poor. If you have a Buddy Boss, take up a collection and buy her a dog. A cat won't work. Cats will just ignore her and not give a rip if she's home or not. Dogs are much higher maintenance and might keep your Buddy Boss occupied long enough for you to sneak away for a weekend with your spouse and kids. Your Buddy Boss will eventually need to get home and feed the dog, greatly reducing the requests to spend long evenings with you. If Buddy Bosses didn't exist, I would leave well enough alone.

Pushed to the Brink

When an individual is disruptive to departmental efficiency and cohesiveness, and that person will not respond to conflict resolution efforts or extensive attempts to construct workable solutions, it's time for the manager to separate the wayward sheep from the flock. As unpleasant as termination is, it is sometimes the best solution. An untenable situation around a problem employee hurts team members more than it hurts bosses. Bosses have the power and the obligation to address personnel problems, team members must wait and hope. I didn't want to confront the chronically late technician at Disneyland, but the other team members deserved better. One of the worst workplace scenarios imaginable is a disruptive and abrasive team member left to terrorize his peers and a boss who refuses to do anything about it. Chances are you've been in that situation. It's rough. Your boss is probably aware of the problem, although he might pretend he's not. To those who have never faced this situation as a boss, it's hard to explain. Part of you doesn't want to admit you lack the skills to work it out. Part of you doesn't want to open a can of worms by addressing the problem and setting off a bomb only to find out that legally you can't dispose of it. You don't relish the thought of making an enemy out of this person. You hold out hope for some miraculous resolution to occur. For a boss to go through the exhaustive and intricate process of terminating someone is about as pleasant as a root canal. But if you're one of the team members suffering while your boss wallows in indecision, you can do several things.

Having studied what language your boss speaks and what drives his personality, you can approach him in the most diplomatic, well-thought-out manner possible and let him know how much the situation is thwarting the department's productivity and morale. With different boss types, you'll need to determine to the best of your ability what constitutes disruption and an actionable problem in your boss's opinion. I hope you won't need to go over your boss's head to HR, but it is an option. Somebody in the organization is likely to care enough about productivity and morale to initiate some kind of action. Be reasonably assured you have identified that person before sticking your neck out. Use caution when making an end run on your boss for any reason. If you're caught outside of your silo without a hall pass, that infraction might be more egregious to corporate muckety mucks than the real problem you're trying to bring to their attention. If you need to find someone in the organization with a spine, do your research. Find out if people have been terminated before. What was the offense? Which HR person handled it? Who is most likely to follow through? I've taken problems to people on the organization chart who were ostensively supposed to handle them only to find out they lacked the fortitude to take action. Unfortunately, people who show more concern for the efficiency, productivity, and morale of the organizational population than for protecting their acre of corporate real estate are the exception, not the rule. The problem you're trying to bring to the attention of the appropriate parties might become the proverbial hot potato. Assume you're on your own until you can find reasonable assurance you will be supported. Don't assume you will be supported, even if your organization's Standard Operating Procedures say you will. Any executive with sufficient power to assist you in the event you need to go over your boss's head will represent one of the major boss types. Know who you're working with before you expose yourself to retribution. Information is power. Nothing is stopping you from gathering as much as you can.

Be Thankful

If your I-Boss is not allowing an annoying and unresolved problem to abscess, rejoice. Regardless of any theoretical, theological, or biological explanations for Idiot Bosses, be grateful. Be glad they have no consciousness about the havoc they create and nothing to prick their consciences to keep them awake at night. Let them snooze. If we lose sleep hating them, it's nobody's fault but our own. I'm not saying if I-Bosses didn't exist I would create one. Let's not get carried away. But I would gladly substitute an I-Boss for a God, Machiavellian, Sadistic, Masochistic, Paranoid, or Buddy Boss any day. With gratitude in your heart, practice generic compliments you can give your Idiot Boss. Word them in such a way so you won't be lying - exactly. Be prepared at any moment to say, "Gee, boss, you really make a difference around here." Or, "If you weren't around, things sure would be different." These comments have multiple meanings, allowing you to keep at least one foot in the truth. Imagine the poor souls who haven't read this article. They're still blaming their Idiot Bosses for their career frustrations and plotting a coup. You, on the other hand, are an enlightened creature, realizing that, without your I-Boss, things could be much worse. Remember that next Thanksgiving when your I-Boss doesn't invite himself to eat at your house.

The Open Hand

Pretend for a moment you've just marched into your Idiot Boss's office in a righteous rage. You plant yourself directly in front of his desk with your feet shoulder-width apart. Clench your fist, shake it in his face, and say, "You miserable so-an-so. I'm smarter and more talented than you. I work harder and get more accomplished in one day than you do in a month. If you had half a brain you would treat me with the respect I deserve, double my vacation time, give me a raise, and beg me not to quit." Feels good doesn't it? For a moment, it does. When you're driving on the freeway, do you shake your fist at other drivers and say, "You ignorant so-and-so, where did you learn how to drive? If I wasn't late for work I'd pull over and pound some sense into you"? When you arrive at the office, do you brag to your fellow team members how you cursed pathetic drivers on your way to work? Is that the high point of your day? When we're stuck behind slow drivers, we hit the gas at our first opportunity and whip around them. If traffic is slow all over, we clench the wheel and simmer. When we're in a long line at the gourmet coffee shop or the bank, we fidget nervously or start a slow boil. If a clerk at the bank or the dry cleaners has the privilege of waiting on us after a slow traffic or cappuccino day, she just might get a piece of our mind that has nothing to do with her. Feels good, doesn't it? Allowing steam to build up and blowing it off means living through long periods of mounting tension, interspersed with brief episodes of relief. Altering the way you value your time and effort means long periods of fulfillment, interspersed with occasional moments of tension. Just because something feels familiar doesn't mean it feels good.