Forcing the Issue

If you're too impatient to allow the third-party compliment to run its course, you can be more direct. If you suspect someone around the office is desperate to score points with the I-Boss, that person just became your personal messenger for positive and affirming messages. Say positive things about your I-Boss in the kiss up's presence because he will no doubt take the information straight to the I-Boss as a ploy to gain entry to the I-Boss's inner circle. Anyone who wants to gain access to an I-Boss's inner circle for anything but mercenary reasons is likely to be an even bigger idiot. If you don't have a willing and able kiss up available, you might need to take the bull by the horns and be the messenger yourself. Tell your I-Boss that you overheard his boss saying complementary things about him. Everybody wants to think they are respected and admired. You didn't plant that need for acceptance in the human psyche. There is no need to feel guilty if you make use of it to bring about a positive outcome. The increased regard your I-Boss will have for you as a result of your embellishment on the truth will make it easier for you to do more fulfilling work. Where is the vice in that? I only used the word "embellishment" because the tale you're toting to your I-Boss is partially true. In all likelihood, your I-Boss's boss makes many comments about your I-Boss.

Turning them into positive messages before they reach your I-Boss's ears is just your way of being God's little helper. His humor is your humor Smile and nod knowingly whenever your I-Boss laughs, even if you weren't paying attention to his or her joke or story. The true definition of terror is to be caught daydreaming when your I-Boss is talking, especially if he is telling a joke or making what he thinks is an earth-shattering point. If you wake from a sound sleep to hear your chuckling I-Boss asking you if you thought his remark was funny, grin and say, "Gee, boss, I don't know how we manage to get any work done with you around." Be careful not to say it if your I-Boss was making a serious earthshattering point. Look around the room before you answer and see if anyone else is faking a laugh at what your I-Boss just said. If others are rolling their eyes, your I-Boss was probably trying to be funny. If everyone else is dead serious and is looking at you through piercing eyes as if to say, "Danger, Will Robinson," then you say, "Working under you, boss, helps me keep my career in perspective." Your I-Boss will think you're paying him a compliment. He won't pick up on the sarcasm and realize his comments serve as a constant reminder that you are wasting your youth and energy working for an idiot. In this day and age, when providing for yourself and the needs of your family are paramount and not always easy in an employers' market, you might want to consider putting away your resentment and be more appreciative of the employment opportunities you have, even if it requires suffering fools with a smile plastered on your face. In times of uncertain economics, Idiotspeak can serve you well as a second language. Learn it. Speak it. Use it well.

You Can't Avoid Gossip

We know better than to believe gossip, much less pass it on, but many people do. Gossiping is a natural inclination for many and a tremendous temptation for almost everyone, be it genetic or conditioned behavior. Whether we gossip because we're sadists or we just want to scratch a dysfunctional itch and make everybody else feel as bad as we feel, gossip doesn't help anyone; not the gossiper and especially not the gossipee. Skilled Idiotspeak doesn't include gossip because the most effective messages are positive, even if they are calculated. The third-party compliment, as Danny Cox teaches it, is not gossip. When gossiping, you tell Person A that Person B said something critical about Person A with the intention of causing a rift, hurting Person A's feelings, creating general hostility, or all of the above. A true third-party compliment will spread positive vibes by playing to the inherent desire for appreciation. People are eager to put forth their best effort when they feel recognized, respected, and appreciated. People will gossip for a variety of reasons, none of which are positive or productive. People resort to pettiness because they lack the imagination or reinforcement to believe they can play at a higher level. When people believe they are doomed to a lifetime of hard labor in the salt mines, they feel no compunction about taking others down with them. The gossiper's thinking is similar to a convict with three life sentences without possibility of parole - to be served sequentially. There's not much more to lose. Some people deal with pain, disappointment, and discouragement by doing everything they can to cause pain, disappointment, and discouragement to others. In a workplace setting, effort, loyalty, and results are supposed to count for something. Nobody knows better than a gossiper that all of those qualities can be washed away with the ingestion of a little false information into the equation. You have probably been victimized more than once by falsehoods that diminished or eliminated the good will your positive efforts should have produced. I have. Others, especially Machiavellians and sadists, use gossip as anything from a surgical instrument to slice the jugular veins of their opponents and victims to weapons of mass destruction. Whether gossip is used for amusement, payback, or premeditated injury, it can be a destructive force.

Worse, it is unavoidable. There is no way to avoid gossip entirely. You might as well try to walk between the raindrops during a cloudburst. There will always be bored slackers, injured egos, and calculating career climbers. If you become as low profile and forgettable as Harold the invisible executive, chances are good nobody will exert the effort to gossip about you. As long as you remain a contributing member of your team, you can expect to be slimed sooner or later. To deal effectively with gossipers and protect yourself as much as possible from the destructive effects of gossip, you need to fashion a gossip-proof slicker out of your own propaganda. Nothing guarantees complete protection against gossip any more than drinking diet soda guarantees you'll lose weight. But hiding in a closet won't get it done. Gossip can bend around corners, crawl under doors, travel through cyberspace, and penetrate the thickest walls. The trench coat approach Depending on how much gossip you deal with at work, you might need a bio-hazard suit. Creating a barrier to protect yourself from words is best done with actions. If you try and shield yourself with anti-gossip (mere words) you are at the mercy of a superior foe. Gossipers are much better wordsmiths than you. I ordinarily reserve the moniker "wordsmith" for eloquent endeavors such as writing articles about idiots. In truth, skilled gossipers have forgotten more about the power of language than I'll ever know. Doing positive things, meaning things your boss finds impressive, will counteract a ton of negative words - unless you keep your good deeds a secret. This is yet another good reason to make your activities and accomplishments as visible as possible, in the context your boss finds most pleasing. If a Machiavellian knows you've accomplished something worthwhile and have attached her name to it in such a way as to advance her career, she'll value you. People can say what they will about you, but as long as the Machiavellian thinks you're propping her up, the gossip will fall on deaf ears. The same goes for all boss types. If you've done a good job of convincing them you're providing what they want, gossip flung in your direction will roll off your back.

At least it won't injure you where your boss is concerned. If you are a faithful servant to a God Boss, an anguished victim to a Sadistic Boss, an enabler of punishment for a Masochistic Boss, a mole to confirm the conspiracy for a Paranoid Boss, best friend to a Buddy Boss, and a mirror for an Idiot Boss's inflated self-image, you are reasonably indemnified against the damage gossip can cause. You must keep up the effort. Maneuvering your way into the good graces of your boss through properly publicized positive actions is only as good as your last action. Gossip is not only as ubiquitous as the air you breathe, it is relentless. It will never back off and, as soon as you participate, it will nail you. If you've allowed your gossip insurance to lapse, it will be too late to bring up all of the premiums you've paid in the past with positive actions. Keep your gossip insurance current. The reverse osmosis approach In yet another application of the third-party compliment, a little intelligence doesn't hurt. Not the kind of intelligence you lose when the doctor drops you on your head as an infant, but the espionage, cloak and dagger stuff. You know there is gossip going on out there, so try to monitor it. This doesn't mean becoming a gossiper yourself. It means becoming a good listener. I took pride for many years that I didn't engage in workplace gossip and paid no attention to it until it bit me on the backside. Pay attention to who huddles at the water cooler and who makes subtle hand gestures at meetings. Who walks to the parking lot together and, most of all, who goes to lunch together. What informal network of people e-mails each other constantly? Do major rumors ripple north to south, south to north, east to west, or west to east in your office? Who is in the office when gossiping seems the most active, and who is conspicuously absent when it seems to die down? By identifying the sources of gossip in the office, you know from whom you need protection. Most importantly, you'll know who to compliment to your boss. If you are complimenting the gossips to your boss on a regular basis, when some gossip hits the fan, your boss will take it with a grain of salt. You want your boss to say, "How can it be that so-and-so says such derogatory things about my loyal employee, especially when my loyal employee is constantly complimenting so-and-so? What's wrong with this picture?" Of course your boss can always figure you're a gullible idiot. But that's a chance you must take.

The Office Bully

Adult work environments, including white-collar offices, are often as susceptible to pranksters and bullies as the schoolyard. Gossip is an effective weapon in the arsenal of Sadistic Bosses or others who are emotionally injured. Sadists are entertained by observing pain in others. It's like the blood thirst of those who enjoy dogfights or cockfights. They could wander around and hope to see two dogs fight or two roosters rip into one another. But they're too impatient. So, they breed dogs and roosters to do combat, then stage the matches. If your boss uses intimidation tactics, you have a choice to make. If it's a Machiavellian, God, Sadistic, or Paranoid Boss, standing up to him might only bring down more fire and brimstone on your head. Like my obsession with justice and being right, your proud defiance might hurt you more than it's worth. Career advancement is more about who has the power than who is right. Bullies don't have any power except that which you give them. Bosses have functional authority over you. There's a big difference. If the office bully is a boss, shrugging your shoulders, grinning, and bearing it will probably better serve your long-term prospects. If the bully is a peer, take him off at the knees. I don't recommend doing anything that will leave a mark or trace evidence. But you need to let the bully know you're not intimidated. A good stare-down is sometimes enough. Bullies eventually blink. If you need heavier artillery, leave a copy of How to Work for an Idiot lying on his desk where the boss is sure to see it while the bully is out to lunch. Once the bully is convinced you're more dangerous than he is, he'll be off to find another, more cooperative victim. Never brag or boast about defeating bullies. Don't go whining to an I-Boss, or any boss, about the bully. Bosses who lack skills to resolve conflict will just bury their heads and the bully will be emboldened. Meanwhile the boss will label you a complainer. Bosses who like blood sports will egg the conflict on for their amusement. Good Bosses are so tuned in to their team members, they will sense a problem quickly and deal with it long before you end up fighting a lonely battle.