God Bosses enjoy the performance review process because it gives them the opportunity to let you know how much you have pleased or displeased them during the preceding year. To a God Boss, a good employee genuflects. As long as the team member being reviewed spends sufficient time on bended knee worshiping the God Boss and presents suitable tithes and offerings, the review will be positive, regardless of whether or not anything is getting accomplished in the department. To prepare for a performance review with a God Boss, choose your wardrobe carefully. Sackcloth and sandals might be appropriate. Perhaps a prayer shawl for the men and a Khimar for the ladies. Your clothing should reflect humility and submissiveness. God Bosses take themselves very seriously. The more ceremony you engage in the better. Burning incense and chanting his name are nice touches. Be careful though. Pay attention and determine what will be an adequate demonstration of your devotion without going over the top. God Bosses don't appreciate being mocked. For your best shot at getting a raise from a God Boss, use terms like "your greatness," "your majesty," and "your lordship," throughout the year. It all sounds blasphemous because it is, but do you want the raise or not? And don't worry about the true God feeling mocked. The sight of the whole thing probably has Him on the floor. No matter how literally you take your God Boss, always refer to his accomplishments, his glory, and his mighty power when talking business or golf. Go with the flow on this one; anyone who thinks he's God could be dangerous. Whatever he says or does, act eternally grateful. Prepare all year long for a God Boss by: • Articulating how appreciative you are for the opportunity to serve in his department in emails and other appropriate correspondences.

■ Thanking him for his help and guidance on projects.

■ Offering to do him favors or small services. • Bringing him small gifts, even if they are humorous tokens and trinkets.

■ Mentioning to his peers how his accomplishments have driven the department forward.

■ Acknowledging his leadership in written reports and evaluations of projects. Before you write these suggestions off as frivolous, consider doing these things, within reason, for 12 months. If your diagnosis is correct and your boss thinks he's God, what kind of performance review do you think you'll receive? Don't worry about real productivity. You accomplish that for your own satisfaction and to earn the respect of your peers. A God Boss will evaluate and qualify you for promotions and raises based on how faithful a disciple he thinks you are. I guarantee, if he perceives you as a detractor or ungrateful, no amount of real productivity, efficiency, or cost savings will bring you into his good graces at performance review time.

The Machiavellian Boss Review

To Machiavellian Bosses, staff members who step aside in the hall when she passes, turn and walk in the other direction when she glares, and routinely put the Machiavellian's name on superior work the staff members complete will receive high marks on a performance review. A high mark on a Machiavellian's performance review is a C+ because she doesn't want anyone outside her domain to see high performance ratings and come looking for people to promote. Whether or not the staffers have done anything to promote the achievement of organizational goals and objectives, promoting the career ambitions of the Machiavellian translates into job security. Prepare for your performance review with a Machiavellian Boss by reviewing everything you have done for the company and make sure you didn't receive credit for it. If you did receive credit, go into the performance review and immediately apologize for the mistake and promise it will never happen again. Act as if you're at a loss to explain how your name became attached to something the Machiavellian was obviously responsible for. If you're written up in the company newsletter for some achievement, demand a retraction in the following issue.

Men should keep several suits and ties in the office to ensure color coordination with the Machiavellian. Women must dress to compliment rather than compete with the Machiavellian. If she comments about the similarity of your wardrobe, tell her she sets the fashion trends and emphasize how you watch her closely for guidance. Furthermore, tell her whatever she wears, drives, eats, or reads should be required for the entire organizational population. Understand that everything the Machiavellian tells you regarding, your performance is twisted through the lens of how it either promotes or impedes her career. Nod and agree to everything. Don't get into an "I'm right and you're wrong" thumb wrestling match with a Machiavellian if you want to go home with two thumbs. There is but one goal in the Machiavellian's department and that's the ascending career of the Machiavellian Boss. Make sure everything you say and do reflects that agenda. Raises are next to impossible to wrench out of a Machiavellian unless you have really convinced her your purpose for living is to help her attain the top spot for which she is predestined. Prepare all year long for a Machiavellian Boss performance review by:

■ Articulating how her work is deserving of much more acclaim from higher up using e-mails and other appropriate correspondences.

■ Thanking her for allowing you to work on her behalf.

■ Volunteering to take on special projects that promote her agenda and enhance her image.

■ Selecting wardrobe and decorating your workspace in ways that suggest allegiance.

■ Mentioning to her peers how her accomplishments have driven the department forward.

■ Acknowledging the superiority of her leadership in written reports and evaluations of projects. Consider doing these things, within reason, for 12 months. If your diagnosis is correct and your boss is truly Machiavellian, you will receive the best marks possible on your performance review. Concern yourself with productivity as a way of accomplishing something you can give her credit for. You can still be productive as a means of self-satisfaction and to earn the respect of your peers. However, a Machiavellian Boss will evaluate and qualify you for promotion, and raises based on how convinced she is that you support her and do not compete with her. I guarantee, if she perceives you as a threat or competitor, no amount of real productivity, efficiency, or cost savings will bring you into her good graces at performance review time.

The Masochistic Boss Review

Masochists use the performance review to prove what miserable failures they are. If they were better bosses, they reason, you would be a better employee. That is true, but not for the reasons they're citing. Masochists think everything they touch turns to ca-ca and they don't stop to think about how that might insult you. Don't take it personally. You didn't have anything to do with creating the masochist's condition, and there is nothing he can say or do to turn you into fertilizer. Wearing something drab might help because it won't draw attention to clothing. If you wear something bright and cheery, he will probably notice and go into a downward spiral about what a lousy dresser he is. He is a terrible dresser, but do you really want to sit and listen to all that? I'd rather have him tell me I need improvement in quantity of work, quality of work, work habits, and communication. Do not carry sharp objects into the masochist's office. Hot coffee is not advisable. You never know when the urge might strike him to snatch it out of your hand and pour it into his own lap. Sit with your eyes down and ever so slightly nod your head in agreement when he describes the futility of his life. Say nothing. Offer no solutions. Bear with it as long as you can. You might consider having someone call you 20 minutes after entering the masochist's office with a fabricated family emergency providing adequate justification to excuse yourself. You might be able to get a raise from a Masochistic Boss if you can convince him it will damage his budget enough to draw a reprimand from his boss. If he doesn't figure that out on his own, it's up to you to mention it. As you rush out to visit your brother in the intensive care unit, pause at the door, turn, and say, "I suppose a raise is out of the question because it would really bring your boss down hard on you... ." Then run. The raise should be approved by the time you get back. Prepare all year long for a Masochistic Boss performance review by:

■ Articulating how he struggles under an excessive workload that no human being should be expected to manage—use body language and expressions that slightly mimic the slumped shoulders and hopeless countenance on his face.

■ Pointing out, in e-mails and face-to-face conversations, reasons why projects and initiatives imposed on the Masochistic Boss's department are doomed from the start. Let him know how sorry you are that he has been put in this untenable situation.

■ Volunteering to take on special projects and extra workload from time to time gives you the opportunity to produce worthwhile work. However, don't rush into the boss's office rejoicing in the accomplishment.

■ Being prepared to celebrate secretly with your peers. When and if your Masochistic Boss acknowledges the success you realized, remain solemn, sigh, and say, "Yeah, boss, we really got lucky on that one. Don't you wish we could be so lucky all the time?"

■ Making wardrobe and workspace decorating choices in ways that avoid exhibiting a dramatic contrast in selfimage between you and your Masochistic Boss—he should not feel minimized just being around you.

■ Avoiding overt reassurance with your Masochistic Boss— when things go terribly wrong, don't tell him it wasn't his fault. Say instead that it could have happened to anybody or that anybody could have made a similar mistake, miscalculation, or misunderstanding. Consider doing these things, within reason, for 12 months. If your diagnosis is correct and your boss is a true masochist, you will receive the best marks possible on your performance review. Like all bosses, masochists will evaluate and qualify you for promotion and raises based on how convinced they are that you understand and sympathize with their dilemmas. Don't avoid productivity altogether; you and your peers still want to achieve a sense of accomplishment. Just don't celebrate it as reward for a job well done in front of your Masochistic Boss. At all times, keep your own interests in perspective. Despite the skilled ways you play to your Masochistic Boss, you don't want to be an individual martyr working for a martyred individual.

The Sadistic Boss Review

The performance review is a Sadistic Boss's dream. A legal, sanctioned, and even required annual session of torture is almost too good to be true. The Sadistic Boss can hardly contain herself as her employees absorb the psychological punishment, wail in torment, grimace in pain, tear their hair out by the fistful, and are forced to come back at least once a year for more. Sadistic Bosses claim beatings and the psychological suffering they inflict are related to the achievement of performance goals and organizational objectives. Yet, nobody knows better than her long-suffering employees that she gets off on causing immense pain to the safest, and most vulnerable and available targets. If you want to get a raise from your Sadistic Boss, claim any increase in your income will cause you painful tax consequences. Emphasize the word painful. It's not her money to begin with and, if it can cause you anguish, it's worth padding the budget. Setting up your Sadistic Boss for a good performance review throughout the year requires some acting on your part. Learn to moan convincingly. You should throw in an anguished cry and plaintive wail now and then. These can be prerecorded and played back on your workstation speakers. As long as your Sadistic Boss thinks the sounds coming from your cubicle are the result of her painfully punitive workload, she'll like having you around. Dress as if you sleep in your clothes. If she comments, say flatly that you haven't slept since she gave you the Mid-range plan to rewrite again. Wear clothes that are too large so she'll think that you don't have time to eat. If you're a good makeup artist, make your face a bit more sallow, apply some bags under your eyes, and hollow out your cheeks. Pile your office or cubicle with stacks of papers and reports from floor to ceiling. Leave only enough room for one person to get in and out. If she thinks you're slaving in there (cue the moans and wails), she'll leave you alone and go hunt down someone who looks rested and well fed. Prepare all year long for a sadistic performance review by:

■ Articulating at every opportunity how you struggle under an excessive workload—never cross the line and act angry toward your Sadistic Boss over the excessive work issue. Instead, act defeated and worn down. I don't know about you, but I naturally launch into a litany of how much is on my plate when someone asks, "How are you?"

■ Using body language and expressions that support the grim descriptions you offer of your circumstances—this also comes naturally to me. I feel so overwhelmed with my many and varied tasks at any given time that I don't have to fake an overworked and underpaid countenance. I don't know exactly why my heavy burden makes a Sadistic Boss feel good, but I know enough to give her credit for my struggles, even if she's not responsible. Attribute a kidney stone to her work demands. There is a possible seed of truth in it, but not likely. However, knowing that you're struggling under an excessive workload while suffering from a kidney stone will enlarge her sense of satisfaction.

■ In e-mails and face-to-face conversations, pointing out reasons why projects and initiatives imposed by your Sadistic Boss are tremendous encumbrances, even if they're not. It's a sort of dance you do with a sadist. She's happy with the appearance that her power is sufficient to cause you discomfort and you don't mind throwing out that impression if it, in fact, smoothes things out for you in the real world.

■ Never volunteering to take on special projects and extra workload—that's taking away her power to control and abuse you. You must maintain the illusion, whether it is an illusion or not, that anything she tells you to do could be the straw that breaks your back.

■ Being prepared to celebrate secretly with your peers. When and if your Sadistic Boss acknowledges the success you realized, remain solemn, sigh, and say, "Yeah, boss, that project took so much time we got backed up on everything else." If she believes you, she might not immediately load you up with additional work.

■ Making wardrobe and workspace decorating choices in ways that avoid exhibiting a lighthearted, carefree existence. Your work area should be piled high with accumulated stuff, whether it has anything to do with your current project or not. A wardrobe motif? In two words: salt mines. Consider doing these things, within reason, for 12 months. If your diagnosis is correct and your boss is a sadist, you will receive the best marks possible on your performance review. As before, don't avoid productivity altogether; you and your peers still want to achieve a sense of accomplishment. Just don't expect a job well clone to be welcomed with time off to catch your breath. The silver lining on the sadist's dark cloud is the fact that she needs the illusion of power as much as she needs the actual power. Sadistic Bosses don't generally need to cause real pain and suffering. If you play your role convincingly enough, a Sadistic Boss will accept your stellar performance as payment in full.

The Paranoid Boss Review

Your Paranoid Boss will give you an average performance review by marking all threes on the one-to-five scales. He'll stare at you in silence as you come in and sit down. Clutching your performance review in his hand, he'll shut the door, close the blinds, turn up the radio, and speak in a whisper in case the room is bugged. Some Paranoid Bosses might even search you for a wire. He'll tell you the review process is nothing but a veiled attempt to trick him. But he's too smart to fall for it. He'll say he gave you all average marks so as not to raise any suspicion with HR, but he knows what you and your scheming team members are up to. It's best not to wear all black during your performance review or at all around a Paranoid Boss. Don't whisper in the office or talk into your cuff. Don't even take your cell phone with you into the performance review. If it rings, he'll dive under his desk. If you want a raise from a Paranoid Boss, take a deep breath, search the ceiling for hidden cameras, lean close to him and tell him he's right. Everyone is out to get him and you know who, when, what, and where. If he'll give you a raise to "cover expenses," promise to deliver a full report exposing the conspiracy and conspirators. For your safety, make him agree to transfer you out of his department one week before the report is due. Once out, you can forget the bogus report. How is he going to explain rescinding the transfer and raise? Prepare all year long for a Paranoid Boss's performance review by:

■ Keeping ever y thing you do as visible as possible—take every opportunity to keep all activities in plain sight of your Paranoid Boss. To the extent you are able, arrange your working space so that he can observe you from his office or regular routes of travel.

■ Using body language that features broad, sweeping arm gestures that suggest openness—as if to assure him that you, nor anyone else in the department, have nothing to hide.

■ In e-mails and face-to-face conversations, describing how you and your fellow team members came up with your conclusions and what activities led to your results—the more you can paint a picture for a Paranoid Boss, the less he will rely on his imagination. That's where the conspiracies exist, in his fertile imagination.

■ Taking on special projects as if you are working in the front window at Macy's—giving everyone involved, directly or peripherally, a brief account of the project's origins before you move on to a progress report. The contextual framework within which you place your information can lead to unsolicited comments coming back at your Paranoid Boss, indicating an open atmosphere. An open atmosphere is less threatening than the possibility of covert operations in dark corridors.

■ Celebrating success openly with your peers—including your Paranoid Boss at every opportunity. Celebrate in the office as much as possible so he can't avoid seeing what you're doing and can't pretend he was excluded. Even if he doesn't join in the festivities, your message is clear. You're not hiding anything.

■ Making wardrobe and workspace decorating choices in ways that provide maximum access and exposure—with as few walls and partitions as possible. When you meet with coworkers, do it in the open where the boss can see you. Do it within earshot if you can. Wave at your Paranoid Boss during these impromptu meetings and gesture for him to join you. Your work area should be piled high with accumulated stuff, whether it has anything to do with your current project or not. Consider doing these things, within reason, for 12 months. If your diagnosis is correct and your boss is paranoid, you will receive the best marks possible on your performance review. If you have kept him updated on a daily basis, even with brief, "spontaneous" reports when there is little to report on, he can't help but feel less threatened. If you give in to your natural urge to avoid the pain in the corner office and keep your work, office associations, and comings and goings to yourself, you're asking for trouble from a Paranoid Boss. As always, surviving and thriving in the workplace, especially under a paranoid person, places the responsibility for proactive solutions on your shoulders. Sure, it's not fair. By now you should realize that little in life and virtually nothing at work is fair. You haven't been hiding anything, so why should you jump through hoops to prove as much to your stupid boss? Because fair is what you make it, that's why.