Self-Employment: Will the Cure he Worse than the Disease?

Abraham Lincoln pointed out that representing oneself in a court of law guarantees a less-than-gifted lawyer with a less-than-intelligent client, or words to that effect. To quit a job that pays regularly and provides benefits for you and your family in order to work for yourself and set the world on fire is roughly the same thing. I never realized what it was really like to work for an idiot until I started working for myself. Thank goodness I went into recovery. It was the best thing that ever happened to my employee. People often turn to self-employment as a way to liberate themselves from their I-Bosses. But they often find out too late that their new boss is a bigger idiot than the one they just insulted on the way out the door. Consider some potential pitfalls before you tell your boss to take this job and shove it:

■ Once you walk out that door, is there any chance of coming back?

■ If you can come back, will they start you in the mailroom?

■ Can you pay yourself salary and benefits equal to those you're leaving?

■ Can you pay yourself without using up your savings and college fund for the kids?

■ Do you understand what deficit spending is?

■ Are you ready to spend more hours working than ever before?

■ Does your spouse want you around the house all day?

■ Will your spouse allow you to turn the spare bedroom into an office?

■ Are you certain that you have the organization skills and self-discipline to be productive?

■ Will you be as brutal on yourself as you were on your I-Boss when things screw up?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you might want to think twice about quitting a sure thing only to discover you've shot yourself in the foot.

The Birth of an Idiot Boss The vast majority of us never receive any formal education or training in the art of leadership. As we claw or stumble our way into positions of authority, we use what we know, which is essentially nothing. So we do what any inexperienced person does and imitate the authority figures we have encountered and observed. But even our observations are not exactly "educated." I worked my way through college as a musician. In one of my first enterprising moves, I started a trio to play at the Top of the Tower restaurant and lounge at the downtown Des Moines Holiday Inn (circa 1972). About that same time I went to see a new movie called The Godfather. Most people would have identified with the characters portrayed by Marlon Brando or Al Pacino. Not me. I identified with Moe Green, the evil egomaniac that ran the hotel/casino in Vegas and got whacked with a bullet through his right eye in the final reel. There was a prima donna piano player at the Top of the Tower who I needed to deal with. He showed up late for rehearsals and was otherwise irresponsible. I came down on him one night before the show. He complained later about being publicly humiliated in front of the singing waiters and waitresses. "Chester," I said, lighting a cigarette and exhaling a long stream of smoke for effect (back then it was cool to smoke). "I'm running a business here, and sometimes I have to kick a little ass to make it run right." Chester laughed in my face and went on acting irresponsibly. I was mystified. The line was straight out of the film and nobody laughed when Moe Green said it. Chester did change one thing. Instead of disliking me intensely, he hated me from that point on. In my first true professional leadership challenge, I became an instant I-Boss. I was a monkey who watched Moe Green look and sound tough when he got in Pacino's face on the movie screen. Monkey saw, monkey imitated—poorly. The imitation myth Most bosses are promoted without the benefit of leadership training or formalized personal development. It's common for Idiot Bosses to merely imitate the leadership styles and practices of their predecessors. That's how we learn to be parents, isn't it?

We either do what our folks did or do the opposite, neither one of which is likely to be the best choice. Although they seem oblivious to nearly everything, I-Bosses can be insecure. If an employee does something wonderful, an I-Boss might feel a twinge of humiliation, rooted in his inability to match competencies. He might not be able to put a finger on the feeling or its origins, but he can take steps to make the employee feel what he's feeling. That's why no good deed goes unpunished and team members who do good things are routinely embarrassed or humiliated by their I-Bosses. If an I-Boss isn't sure whether something a team member does is good or bad, he is likely to err on the side of bad and seize control of the situation, just to be safe. I'm embarrassed to admit I've done it. I've joined in conversations on subjects I knew nothing about just to appear informed. I picked up terms and phrases foreign to me and dropped them into conversations. If no one reacted, I knew I got away with it. If everybody stopped and looked at me, I'd act as if there was something caught in my throat. Trust me, there are better ways to win the confidence and respect of your team members than to wear your ignorance on your sleeve. The student becomes the teacher Because virtually no I-Boss is prepared, trained, or otherwise acclimated to the best practices of effective leadership, it's up to you to train them. You can't let your I-Boss know you're training him. That's your little secret. Just prepare your lesson plan and be consistent. A psychology professor was teaching the concepts of classical conditioning to his class when they turned the tables on him. An insidious conspiracy formed and the students agreed to sit forward in their seats and pay rapt attention when the professor was on the right side of the room. When he wandered to the left side of the room they leaned back, slumped in their chairs, and acted disinterested. Without realizing why, he was soon delivering his entire lecture from the right corner of the classroom.

I know because I started the conspiracy. You can do the same with your I-Boss. Be perky, attentive, appreciative, or whatever else will please him when he does what you want him to do. Ignore him, work slowly, or act generally rebellious when he is behaving in ways that displease you. If you've paid attention to what makes him happy and unhappy as far as your behavior is concerned, it won't take long to start influencing what lie says and does. Become an amateur anthropologist. Pretend you're a CSI detective. Observe what pictures he hangs on his office walls, and what artifacts he proudly displays on his credenza. What animals are pictured on his wall calendar? Listen to the words and phrases he uses. Is he literate? Can he operate a computer? Can he build a computer? Can he write software? Can lie spell "software"? Is the child in the picture on his desk indescribably ugly? Can you bring yourself to compliment him on all of the things he so obviously holds dear, including the {gag} cute child? Be patient. It doesn't happen overnight. If nothing else, it will give you something to look forward to at work. You can also feel smug satisfaction that you are improving the working environment for all of your peers. Don't feel dirty or guilty for kissing up. It's survival. Think of yourself as a missionary to the clueless.

You're Not Invisible

Remember: You're being watched all the time. If you feel invisible or ignored, it's likely what you're doing isn't sufficiently impressive or important to those around or above you. But they're just pretending you don't exist. Put your detective skills to work again and note what types of behavior they approve of and start behaving accordingly. Even if you don't plan to alter your personal style and work habits over the long term, the experiment will prove what you do and say are noticed more than you thought. Please people and you'll get recognition. As in the behavior modification episode with the psychology professor, you need to distinguish between what your I-Boss perceives as positive and negative behavior.

In sufficient quantity, both positive and negative behaviors will make those who feel invisible visible. If you don't elicit much attention from your I-Boss, you know whatever it is you're doing falls into his dead zone. Idiots lack imagination. That deficiency, coupled with the tunnel vision Idiot Bosses are famous for, means the ship will be submerged before they realize it hit an iceberg. If you want attention, you not only need to say or do things that warrant attention in the idiot's eyes, you need to exaggerate them so much he can't possibly fail to notice. If you're trying to impress your I-Boss by watering the plants around the office, drag in the fire hose from next to the elevator. If you want him to notice you're vacuuming the carpet, remove the muffler from the vacuum cleaner so the noise will deafen people two floors away, and then run a couple of circles around his desk.