This is the ultimate example of how manipulative and downright deadly gossip-based workplace games can be. One evening, Big Bill's wife stepped into the doorway of my office at the audio/video publishing company we were turning around after I left Disney. She was a smart and successful businessperson in her own right and partnered with Big Bill in all of his construction engineering companies. She spent time each week in our offices keeping the finances straight. From time to time, she asked non-financial questions about our fledgling enterprise. I was happy to use her as a messenger on important matters to reinforce what I told Bill directly. One of the employees we inherited from the previous administration was a true mother hen. April took care of everybody emotionally by pecking around in their personal affairs. In the old culture, before Big Bill and I acquired the company, her office was always in session as she listened to the troubles employees brought from home or encountered around the office. She stroked and made them feel all better. I preach and teach human-centered management practices, but April was codependency to the 10th power. When Bill and I took over the company, it was more of a coffee Match than a thriving business. One of our first orders of business was to get the little company operating like a business, and, if for nothing else, to stop losing $250 thousand annually as they were when Big Bill and I took over the reins. Except for Bill's tirades, we remained a friendly business even as we became profitable. As we reshaped the culture (me through coaching and education, Big Bill with a baseball bat), April felt hurt by the diminishing need for her "Come tell mama all about it" approach to management. In the tomb-like quiet that descends on a deserted office building after hours, Mrs. Bill appeared at the door to my office, leaned against my doorframe, and asked my opinion about April. She wanted to know how I thought we could ease the tension between April and Big Bill. I acknowledged all the ways April was useful, smoothing ruffled feathers after Bill terrorized the place with one of his motivational visits. On the other hand, April's codependency was like a drag chute on our productivity. I told Mrs. Bill how frustrated I was with my unsuccessful attempts to counsel April into behaviors and management practices better suited for a high-performance team atmosphere. It had long been apparent to me that April was only interested in mothering people.

Contributing to an efficient, productive business, if she cared about it at all, was low on her list of priorities. Mrs. Bill seemed to agree with everything I said, which struck me as odd because of her apparently kindred relationship with April. After Mrs. Bill left, I stood up, shut off the lights in my office, and walked toward the lobby, passing April's office on the way, which was right next to mine. If you've ever walked into a door, collided in full stride so forcefully that you practically knocked yourself unconscious, you know how I felt when I saw April sitting at her desk, having overheard the conversation that just took place. I would have rather walked into a door. Seeing her sitting there, staring straight ahead, face red as a beet, I was instantly engulfed in a storm of emotions - surprise mixed with shock and anger mixed with embarrassment. Everything I had just said to Mrs. Bill replayed in my head. She had stood in the doorway of my office, leading me through a litany of complaints I had about April and her future with our company, all within full sight of April less than 10 feet away. Although I felt betrayed and set up, I elected not to confront the situation and did what any redblooded coward would do. I continued out the door as if nothing had happened and drove home. The next morning I walked into April's office and told her I was sorry she heard those things in the manner she heard them, but I stood by everything I said as we had discussed the issues in the past. I didn't challenge her as to why she and Mrs. Bill set up the embarrassing scenario the night before. I was afraid to know. April left shortly thereafter and took a job with one of our suppliers. I never discussed the episode with Big Bill or his wife. So utterly flabbergasted was I that I didn't know where to begin such a conversation, and had no clue what good could come of it. In fact, I rarely spoke to Mrs. Bill after that, except when absolutely necessary. So much for my open-door mentality - I felt slimed. I might be the only person in history who ever had the third-party compliment turned into a self-incriminating third-party criticism completely without my knowledge. I let my guard down and, in doing so, engaged in some of the worst Idiotspeak in human history. Remember these tips to avoid gossip:

■ Keep your radar active to determine who is congregating for potential gossip sessions.

■ Make a mental note of who could benefit from your diminished status. • When in doubt, don't speak your mind. Use discretion.

■ Don't get suckered into criticizing other people, no matter how tempting it is. • Politely ask the person who seems so interested in your opinion about someone else to explain why the information is so important.

■ If she won't talk, but insist you do - don't.

■ If she blasts the other party, simply say it's too bad she feels that way.

■ Suggest that she contact an intermediary from HR to work out the problem.

■ Keep your comments positive. There's nothing to be gained from bad-mouthing a coworker.

■ Use the third-party compliment. It works. Shamu on Trust No matter how you choose to communicate with your Idiot Boss or anyone else on your team, make sure there is a subtext to your message that says, "I'm your friend. I'm not going to hurt you. If push comes to shove, I'll take a bullet for you." You want your I-Boss and your peers to consider you a stand-up person. The only way you're going to convince them to trust you is to jump in the tank, swim with them, and speak their language. Most of all, consistently demonstrate your willingness to admit and make amends for your mistakes. That will send the unmistakable message: big person here.