To reduce the cockamamie thing to its lowest common denominator, Idiot Bosses leave a vacuum where intelligence, vision, and wisdom should be. The natural universe abhors the vacuum and begins sucking hard to fill it. If intelligence, vision, and wisdom are wandering by at that moment, the story will have a happy ending. But when's the last time that happened? Usually, some random, meaningless, irrelevant idea gets sucked into the vacuum. An idiot might initially become a boss for any number of reasons. He might be the only available candidate because everyone else in the department has jumped out of windows or is cowering in a janitorial closet. Perhaps, he found a proposal on the floor, picked it up, and was looking at it when someone higher on the food chain walked by. The higher-up thought it was the idiot's creation and promoted him. Sometimes idiots apply for a promotion because it looks like fun and accidentally appear competent long enough to get the job. By the time their true character emerges, it's too late. Don't you wish you could vote on your next boss? You can vote with your feet the way my WED counterpart at Disneyland did when our department was co-opted by the Machiavellian. But wouldn't it have been nice if they had asked us first? Fat chance. I'm suspicious of the democratic process anyway. The concept of democratically elected office is supposed be self-cleansing and purge itself of incompetence, complacency, and corruption_ In practice, the first order of business for elected officials is to short-circuit the democratic process and make their jobs as secure and lucrative as the unionized bureaucrats who run federal, state, and local government.

What "sucking up" really means When an I-Boss is promoted, especially near the top, the sucking can be felt throughout the organization. All I-Bosses move up one notch, leaving a vacuum (and more suction) behind each one. Even though there is only one hole to fill on the organization chart, there are many more idiots in your future. The vacuum that idiots in high places create is replicated at every level. It's a type of automated, systemic inbreeding and the bloodline becomes more anemic with every reshuffle. The grand matriarch of a wealthy family on Lookout Mountain, Tennessee once welcomed a new bride into the family who came from outside the ancestry. Instead of turning up a haughty nostril toward the commoner, the matriarch welcomed her by saying, "We need some new blood in this family. There are enough babbling idiots on this mountain already." Unfortunately, idiots are only idiots by comparison. Only nonidiots can point out they are idiots. Therefore, the people who make idiots feel the least like idiots are other idiots. Guess with whom idiots choose to surround themselves. The higher and more powerful the IBoss, the greater his ability to pad his staff with additional idiots. The Peter Principle is correct in that persons can be and are regularly promoted beyond their level of competence. What Larry Peter, founder of the Peter Principle, assumed happened next was wrong. Idiots don't stop rising in the organization once they are promoted beyond their level of competency. Since when has competence been a prerequisite for executive office? Incompetence, especially in the area of human motivation and understanding, can be a first-class ticket to the executive suite. The only things keeping some I-Bosses out of higher office are God, Machiavellian, and Sadistic Bosses who can outsmart, outmuscle, or steal away the position while the idiot is in the restroom. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you get rid of the idiots by plugging their spots with God, Machiavellian, and Sadistic Bosses.

Once Ignited, the Fire Spreads

Even if an I-Boss is created by accident or misunderstanding, it is no accident that idiots are promoted. It's one of the more unpleasant aspects of human nature rearing its ugly head. The principle bearing, the name of the late Larry Peter only explains a portion of this phenomenon. Even though increasing one's cognitive capacity is a tall order, it is possible for persons promoted beyond their level of competency to nonetheless recognize their dilemma and work to increase their abilities or, at least, seek assistance from more competent persons. In the case of Idiot Bosses, there is sparse evidence they were ever competent to begin with and don't have a clue they need to be. Like me, many idiots get into positions of leadership for the wrong reasons: by accident, luck of the draw, or they were just walking nearby when the sucking started. The point is, they, like me, might eventually discover there is much more to leadership than meets the unenlightened eye. But once you're there, the thought of doing the honorable thing and resigning doesn't enter your mind. Instead, Idiot Bosses, like their counterparts in professional politics, start to tap dance as fast as they can and things deteriorate.

Institutionalizing Incompetence

If you think there are more idiots than any other kind of boss, you're right, especially in large organizations where idiot aggregation is most common. For those to whom competency has never been a factor, is it any wonder they are least threatened by (and most of the time downright comfortable around) other idiots? Having no real competency of their own, I-Bosses are impressed by the things others claim to have accomplished, and might innocently believe they did accomplish, but probably had nothing whatsoever to do with. Being essentially clueless, they take the person's word for it, promote him, and voila, another I-Boss is born. I-Bosses begetting, other I-Bosses, and the cascading suction resulting from the promotion of high-level I-Bosses produces the dreaded mushroom effect. There are both micro- and macro-mushroom effects. When idiots discover they are not capable of doing what their jobs require, they look for someone else to do it. They don't want to give up the perks and prestige of their positions. Such is the inherent flaw in classical, bureaucratic, hierarchical organizations. The only way to get more is to move higher. Enlightened organizational designers don't attach the concept of more to the concept of higher. They find innovative ways to reward productivity without institutionalizing incompetence.

The mushroom effect The micro-mushroom effect is usually a departmental issue. A lower-level I-Boss does not have the budget or authority to create and fill unjustified positions and becomes an insufferable aggravation to his team members the way the zombie king did. A Peter Principle candidate who has been promoted beyond her competency might not be aware she is incompetent to lead other human beings in activities she managed to muddle through before as a peon. What about the truly competent person who is promoted into management based on her skill and ability? This is another example of inherent flaws in bureaucratic, hierarchical organizations. (Can you tell I don't like them?) For a skilled and competent person, moving into management is her only way to earn more money and acquire more power. The reason for the promotion, however, has nothing to do with perks for the promoted. To the managers and executives higher up the food chain, promoting the person with super skills and abilities is a way to generalize her performance. If she is extremely good at something, she can make everyone else good at it. Or so the logic goes. Such reasoning is, in a word, stupid. Leading other people, which requires guiding their professional growth and development as well as motivating them, calls for a highly specialized skill set and servant's personality, neither one of which the new manager probably ever had or wanted to have. Making widgets, writing code, cold calling, or crunching numbers are important functions. You wouldn't ask a wizard at widget making to stop making widgets and start cold calling, unless you're an idiot.

Only an idiot would ask a code warrior to take customer service calls. That's one factor that contributed to the demise of dot-coml. You wouldn't ask an accountant to head up the engineering department or an engineer to head up accounting—despite the fact both are linear thinkers and live to calculate and extrapolate. Anyone with half a brain realizes that people who have demonstrated tremendous competence in a specialized skill and have, in all likelihood, spent most of their adult life mastering it, thrive when doing whatever it is they're so good at. All common sense notwithstanding, the most common promotional practice in hierarchical organizations is to separate people from the tasks they love and put them in charge of less talented people doing those things. Traditional promotions in hierarchical organizations require new bosses to teach pigs to sing. The newly promoted boss, being a rare species of singing pig, only annoys the common pork, which has no desire or intention to sing. The net result of the whole caper is a herd of annoyed pigs and a resentful former singing pig with no opportunity to vocalize. Promote based on natural talent Facilitating the personal and professional growth and development of others is something some people have a natural ability and desire to do. These folks are as naturally suited to leadership as number crunchers are to accounting. The trailblazer concept of clearing the way so others have the space, resources, and oxygen necessary for optimal operation comes naturally to servant leaders. Like their specialized, competent counterparts, they have a natural tendency to continue learning and refining the skills they are naturally suited for and the learning never stops. If organizational chieftains really want to dominate their respective industries, they will position their gifted leaders in positions of leadership and let them blaze trails for the super-competent widget makers, code warriors, cold callers, and number crunchers. But this is the rarest of exceptions. The general rule holds that top executives place widget makers, code warriors, cold callers, and number crunchers in positions responsible for the professional growth and development of other people. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The widget makers, code warriors, cold callers, and number crunchers no longer get to do the things they love.

They are forced to deal with issues of human motivation and the basic problems of dayto- day living—other people's problems. You are left with a bunch of angry bosses, who are by no means idiots. Terrible leaders, yes. Idiots, no. And now they're being paid a lot of money. They're not going to step down. Maybe one in a million will. Most will exchange their happiness and vocational fulfillment for the cash and benefits. They are being held hostage in the hierarchy. The mushroom cap includes everyone who is being paid, but is not contributing much of anything. The stem contains the harder working people supporting the crowd in the cap. Eighty percent of the work is done in the stem while those in the cap receive 80 percent of the payroll and benefits. The cap of the mushroom spreads as non-leaders in leadership positions surround themselves with people to insulate them from the problems people bring to their doorstep daily. The cap of the mushroom also spreads as Idiot Bosses surround themselves with people who make them feel comfortable in their stupidity. The next time you read in The Wall Street Journal that someone has received a big promotion in a large organization, lower the paper and listen. That loud sucking sound is the cap of the corporate mushroom expanding along with the caps of lots of little mushrooms throughout the organization.

Timber!

The stem of a mushroom can only support so much weight before it buckles and the whole thing topples over. We've all seen how organizations can be created to exploit changes in technology or government regulations. In the wrong hands these organizations are built, made prosperous, and even celebrated, all the while being bled dry by the executives at the top of the hierarchy. Many top executives and public administrators have a license to steal as surely as James Bond has a license to kill. After the guts of these organizations are transferred into the top executives' bank accounts and the husks blow away in the wind, an outraged public cries out for justice. Too late. The horse is already out of the barn. Even legitimate large and small organizations that play by the rules often barely survive the incompetence of their leadership. The dedicated hard work of the unsung heroes in the mushroom stem keeps it all going. They hold up all of that weight. But the cap of the mushroom can still grow too large for even the hardest working people to support. How many corporate mushrooms have you seen topple in your lifetime? As the ancient Chinese proverb says: If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed. Think of an enormous operation such as a major airline. No single person is in charge of operating the complex web of activities and responsibilities.

Thousands of flights a day, arriving and departing safely, full of people and cargo, all operated by tens of thousands of individuals who take on whatever leadership responsibility is necessary to get the job done. What if those people decided they were going to do only what they were instructed to do minute-by-minute? What if they decided not to come to work unless someone called and woke them up in the morning? What if they didn't return from lunch until someone went and escorted them back? It sounds silly until you think about the collective conscience of all those people and how a leadership spirit, larger than all of the individuals combined, ties them all together with a single spirit of accomplishment. Sprinkle Idiot Bosses throughout the organization and the burden that dedicated individuals carry on their shoulders to make things run correctly becomes heavier. Give top executives lucrative bonuses at the same time as asking wage and benefit concessions from the workers supporting the stem of the mushroom and you just killed morale and caused the people who make the organization run to lose any motivation. Giving obscene financial rewards to top executives before they demonstrate they can lead the organization in corresponding growth only makes sense to an idiot. Giving obscene financial rewards to top executives after they've led their organization to the brink of bankruptcy only makes sense to a thief.

The Right People, the Right Reasons, the Right Things

Even though I-Bosses are inevitable, they don't need to be terminal. If you work for one, try to understand his shortcomings and make him feel less threatened. You might actually slow the growth of the idiot population. The only place a mushroom cap can grow indefinitely is in government, where the solution is to keep expanding the stem. The public sector doesn't need to make a profit, nor does it need to provide competitive goods and services. We can observe other nations around the world where virtually everyone is part of the mushroom stem. In that case, it's advisable to be in the political class that occupies the cap and not the stem. When the entire private sector is sucked into the stem, as in the former Soviet Union, then the cap shrinks. Enormous stem, tiny little cap. Ultimately, the stem can't support its own weight and topples over. The Soviet experiment didn't last from one end of the 20th century to the other. When Mother Nature grows a mushroom, the stem is always in proper proportion with the cap. If you are reading this article, chances are good that you're part of the mushroom stem and not the cap. My cap is off to you. Be strong, but also be smart. Even the strongest stem can't hold up a mushroom cap that has grown too big and heavy. Working smart helps shrink the size of the mushroom cap. If it's not possible to shrink it, you can hopefully slow its growth until you can get out from underneath it. Work your Fourth Step. Continually update the inventory of your motivations and methods. Don't do things for the wrong reasons the way I did. If you have been, change your priorities and approach. Continuing down the same road will only waste your time and create a herd of angry pigs. Stand back and look at your organization. You'll see how and why those I-Bosses got where they are. Look at the lessthan- intelligent things you have done along the way. We're all part of the idiot world—some bigger parts than others. Idiots will always beget more idiots. By understanding the dynamics of idiot aggregation and procreation, you can break the cycle when it's your turn on top. Be patient and encouraging with your I-Boss. How would you like to be sucked into a corporate vacuum cleaner?

Banishing Talent

The congressional resolution proposing an early warning system for idiots among the general population was shot down in committee as politically incorrect. That makes me suspicious. The only people who don't see a need to issue idiot alerts are idiots. That's because they don't see themselves as a threat to operational efficiency in the workplace or the health and psychological well-being of their team members. What many idiots do see as a threat to their own health and psychological well-being is competency. Idiots often perceive competent and talented people as threats, not because they have anything against accomplishment, but because their bosses might expect them to actually accomplish something. Machiavellians are shrewd enough to lay claim to your accomplishments and present them up the food chain as their own. Idiots would rather just keep talent out of it. In your Idiot Boss's twisted logic, if nobody's doing anything worthwhile, he won't be expected to accomplish anything worthwhile. If there are no talented people in the immediate vicinity, his chances of flying below upper management's radar are improved. The best way to make sure no one in the department demonstrates talent is to banish it altogether.

I'm beginning to see why 12-step programs have such a high success rate. They don't let you get away with anything. Denial is dead among the 12 steppers. But it seems like all I've been doing so far is confessing my stupidity to you and to my Higher Power—who knows what I'm going to say before I say it—so, why bother confessing? It's the "admit to myself" part I struggle with. My ego doesn't want to deal with the fact I've sat on both sides of the idiot desk. I'm beginning to realize when my frustration boils to overflowing and I rail against the idiots in the universe that I'm not accepting the full measure of my own past, present, or future cluelessness. As they say in the program: If you can spot it, you've got it. We can most easily recognize the problems in others we have in ourselves. As an employee, I've often felt my talents and abilities were overlooked or ignored. As a prerecovery I-Boss, I'm sure I must have overlooked or ignored far more talent than I ever had to offer. If you suspect your boss is not recognizing your talent, remember many idiots wouldn't know talent if it bit them on the toe. If your talent is being intentionally, premeditatedly, systematically, and methodically ignored or hidden under a bushel, your boss is probably not an idiot. Banishing talent is a common and vicious practice among God and Paranoid Bosses. Banishing talent is a blow to any organization. It can cost companies dearly in lost efficiency, effectiveness, productivity, and profitability. None of this is of any great concern to Gods, Paranoids, and Idiots. They see talent as a threat to their control and the attainment of their objectives. Paranoids spell threat with a capital T. For some reason, these bosses haven't developed the Machiavellian's brass constitution, which allows you to exert tremendous effort, and exercise immense talent, only to have your boss snatch away the glory. It's not fair. But since when did fair count for anything in business? If you truly want to make the most out of working for an Idiot Boss or worse, be advised to remove the word fairness from your vocabulary. If you don't go so far as to remove it, you must at least reduce your expectations. I have wasted years and countless professional opportunities throwing hissy fits over what I interpreted as unfair treatment. Even if the treatment was genuinely unfair, becoming obstinate and defiant produced nothing except increased frustration.