Quoting the classic country song, "Take This Job and Shove It," even to an Idiot Boss who might not know exactly what it means, is not a career-enhancing behavior. If you want to be relieved of the burdens working for an idiot can place on you, if you want to be liberated from the oppressive guilt of hating your I-Boss, if you would like to restore the energy and enthusiasm you once brought to work, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you can change your entire relationship with your I-Boss. The bad news is you need to make some amends in your I-Boss's direction. Not to worry; he will probably never realize what you're doing unless you come right out and say, "I'm sorry, I thought you were an idiot." Just applying the methods and techniques I've been mentioning from article to article will make him feel better around you and better in general. Accordingly, he'll start treating you much better once your strategy is executed. Making amends to your I-Boss, to make him feel better, has much to do with language. If the words we choose to use or omit from a conversation speak volumes about who we are and our attitudes and beliefs, then our actions speak encyclopedias. Research conducted by UCLA psychology professor emeritus Albert Mehrabian determined that words account for 7 percent of a face-to-face message.

Vocal inflection accounts for 38 percent, and facial expression accounts for 55 percent. Dr. Mehrabian's analysis didn't mention Italian arm gestures or freeway rush hour hand gestures when words are unnecessary, but his point is pretty well made. It's not the words you say, it's how you say them. If you scowl while telling your I-Boss you're about to throw his computer monitor out the window, he'll dive under his desk. If you say the same thing with a smile, he'll open the window for you. Body language is hard to mistake. The desk-diving secretary at Disneyland made a clear and concise statement with her acrobatics. Big Mike, the Disneyland union boss, wasn't the least bit ambiguous when he slammed me against the wall. Trouble was, it was my body he was talking with. Content You can't make a proper amend unless you understand the basic components of communication. What you say or don't say and what you do or don't do says it all. That's how it is with your Idiot Boss. You can either make your relationship with your I-Boss work for or against you by what you choose to communicate and how you choose to communicate it. I've already advised you to listen carefully when your I-Boss speaks. What does he choose to talk about: work or hockey? If he likes to talk about hockey, you'll just annoy him if you try to steer the puck toward work-related issues. You can cleverly maneuver around this impasse by using hockey metaphors when describing the work issues you find important. Speak in terms of "taking the gloves off," reaching organizational objectives by scoring "goals," putting problems in the "penalty box," and making corporate history by turning a "hat trick." I don't know what it means either. But if my I-Boss was a hockey fan, you'd better believe I'd know what a hat trick is, and I would have hockey magazines on my desk, a hockey stick standing in the corner of my cubicle, a puck as a paperweight, and a picture of Mario Lemieux on my screen saver. (Men can have pictures of other men on their screensavers as long as they're toothless athletes who play contact sports.) Wayne Gretsky reportedly said, "I don't skate to where the puck is, I skate to where the puck is going to be," or words to that effect. That's a great line if your I-Boss is a hockey fan. If he's a basketball fan, use your imagination and reframe the quote, assigning it to whoever his favorite player is. Be careful not to mix your metaphors and expose your true ignorance by saying, "Michael Jordan said, 'I don't shoot where the basket is.

I shoot where the basket is going to be.'" Enter hockey quotations or whatever his favorite topic is into your search engine and watch future conversations with your I-Boss ripple across your monitor. If you want to win over the hearts and minds of other people in the office, especially your Idiot Boss, help them live out their fantasies - within reason. What extracurricular activities does your I-Boss engage in away from work or at work? If he likes to dress up as an Arab Sheik, I advise you to get your hands on a robe and sandals and drink tea while sitting cross-legged on a Persian rug. Incredibly wealthy people in the Middle East do it every day. So do old hippies in Portland, Oregon. The difference is mostly in the value of the rug. If your IBoss fancies himself Rudolph Valentino, don't show up dressed like a Portland hippy. I won't go so far as to invoke the "Teach a Pig to Sing" analogy, but you'll live a happier, healthier, more productive life if you develop methods and techniques to visit your I-Boss's world when appropriate rather than trying to get him to visit yours. If your Idiot Boss has frustrated you to the point of distraction, you've probably done the same thing to him. You've probably been spending excessive time and energy trying to get him to think and act like you act or at least act in ways you want him to act. That will wear anybody out. Make an amend to your I-Boss by resolving not to pull him into your interests and favorite activities. Don't admit you've tried and failed. And you will fail if you try to go that route. Your I-Boss will make you crazy enough to run off and join an indigenous tribe long before you'll have any measurable affect on his interests or decisionmaking. Make it a personal task to prioritize his interests as you engage in social architecture around the office.

Idiotspeak

Idiotspeak is like learning a foreign language. Berlitz has yet to offer tapes on Idiotspeak, but they can't be far from it. Idiotspeak is not hard to learn. For example, Idiot Bosses are particularly fond of quoting the latest business best-seller or popular song. "We're going to zap this department into shape." "Nobody's going to teach elephants to dance on my watch. Do you know how much elephants eat?" Who let the dogs out?" And of course, "We're going to reengineer those seven principles." Communicate your way to happiness Idiot Bosses truly want to communicate with their employees because it makes them feel like they've been invited to their own birthday party. Unfortunately, of all the interpersonal skills they lack, Idiot Bosses are most lacking in effective communications. Communicating requires a meeting of the minds at some level. That leaves it up to you because your boss has no clue at what level you operate. Making your I-Boss feel like every day is his or her birthday can pay big benefits. The Internet has made it much easier to engage in idiotspeak. Listen carefully to his pontifications and identify the articles he's quoting. Search them down, either by author or by title, order a copy, then leave it lying conspicuously on your desk. Better yet, carry it around with you - to meetings, to lunch, to the restroom, read it while you wait for him to putt on the golf course. Refer to the article often using his name in the sentence. "That suggestion you made this morning reminded me of Ken Blanchard's One Minute Manager, Floyd." Hearing his name mentioned in the same sentence as an author he idolizes will bring on the warm fuzzies, and the credit will go to you. Try to mention these things in emails to minimize your kissing up in front of your peers. I know we've already prepared a heartfelt response for them, but why dangle a red cape in front of them unnecessarily? If you choose to improve your relationship with your I-Boss rather than to constantly challenge him or engage him in a battle of attrition, communication will be your best tool. And knowing your I-Boss's choice of literature is a big part of it. If he doesn't leave any articles or magazines lying around the office, it could be because he doesn't read. In that case, note key terms and phrases he uses in conversation, enter the terms on Google.com, and see what comes back.

You might be able to turn your I-Boss on to a few Websites that will interest him. This is another good way to get your I-Boss distracted long enough for you to get some real work done. The stickier the Websites you recommend to your I-Boss, the more quality time you will buy yourself. Remember, if you're not resonating with his or her interests and obsessions, you could be annoying your I-Boss. Making amends to the I-Boss doesn't mean truly being contrite for wrongs you've done, as would be the case with family members or someone you truly care about. It means using the amends model to help keep a functional sense of humility in play for your own good. When you are allowed to operate freely, you do good things, right? This is about positioning yourself vis-a-vis your I-Boss so you can operate freely and do good things. Another way to use language to ensure your I-Boss is comfortable around you is to send circuitous messages, otherwise known as the classic third-party compliment made famous by leadership expert Danny Cox. The third-party compliment is simple. Instead of complimenting your I-Boss to his face, which might be too over the top even for an I-Boss, compliment your I-Boss to someone who is likely to tote the tale back. If your I-Boss has a clumsy and obvious system of moles throughout the department, it's as easy as shooting ducks in a barrel. Just speak in glowing terms about the I-Boss where the mole can overhear you. Bathroom stalls provide good covert operations opportunities. If you know the mole is in the next stall, act like you're talking on your cell phone and extol your I-Boss's latest triumph. Mention how proud you are to work for such a genius. If the mole catches up with you at the sinks, wash your hands and

act as if nothing happened. If the mole brings up the overheard conversation, act embarrassed and say you sometimes just can't contain your enthusiasm. If you feel the door has been swung wide open, go ahead and lay a compliment on the mole. Mention how you heard your I-Boss saying something complimentary about the mole. The mole won't tell the I-Boss about the compliment you claimed the I-Boss made, but the mole will deliver an account of your phony cell phone conversation back to the I-Boss as proof of mole-worthiness. If the mole is a true idiot, he might thank the I-Boss for the compliment you made up. Your I-Boss might be truly confused and say, "Gee, did I say that?" Or he might try to save face and say, "Welldeserved praise, Mole." Of course, the rare I-Boss might be sharp enough to realize he never said any such thing because he considers the mole a bigger idiot than he is. In that case, you might have raised unintended suspicion on the part of your I-Boss. You must use finesse when sending compliments via messengers. When there are no obvious moles, you can still send compliments to your I-Boss. Compliments about your I-Boss made to his superiors are likely to get back to him.

This is a more direct use of the thirdparty compliment. People like to pass on good news. When something positive is said about a boss of any kind, other bosses like to pretend a trend has begun. If Boss A hears one of Boss B's team members saying something good about Boss B, Boss A will make it a priority to mention it to Boss B in hopes that Boss B will have similar good news to share. You don't have to be as obvious as to tell your I-Boss's secretary directly, as I suggested earlier, although this can be effective if the script is sufficiently believable. Positive statements about your I-Boss made within earshot of his clerical assistant will surely make their way to the ears you intended. Keep your radar moving and when the assistant is nearby, launch a compliment about the boss. This might require a few attempts before the secretary believes you, so try to vary your locations and delivery. To make sure the clerical assistant will find you credible, spend some time observing and making notes on the secretary's associations, habits, and behaviors. Adapt the third-party compliment to the secretary. Reporting to the assistant that the I-Boss has paid him a compliment will put you on the assistant's "A" list and ensure you will be portrayed in a positive light whenever the secretary has input or influence on the I-Boss's decision-making process, which is always. The purest form of Cox's third-party compliment is intended to make people feel good about one another without communicating directly. To help quell a dispute or smooth ruffled feathers and promote increase cooperation and collaboration, a good boss will purposefully tell Person A that Person B said something positive about Person A. It is manipulation pure and simple. But in the right hands, it is an effective tool in the cause of truth, justice, and the American way.