The perennial argument rages: Are idiots the product of nature or nurture? Are Idiot Bosses a fly in the ointment of evolution or God's sense of humor? God has a sense of humor. Have you ever seen a duck run? I'm personally leaning toward the 'big bang' theory in the evolution vs. creation argument. However, the Big Bang theory still doesn't explain whether or not God was playing with firecrackers one day and boom—we had birth, death, and taxes. If life on this planet was set into motion by one enormous explosion, then it would make sense that Idiot Bosses were the leftover shrapnel. I was taught in Sunday school that God created everyone and everything with a purpose, and a purpose for everything and everyone. Apparently, the first I-Boss was in the john when God was handing out assignments. What purpose can there be in stupidity? Understanding how your background has set you on a course of tolerance or intolerance for stupidity is essential if you are to become more adept at dealing with your Idiot Boss. Without self-reflection, framed in the context of your Higher Power, how will you ever know if the discomfort and frustration you attribute to your I-Boss is real or a product of your imagination? Most likely, it is a combination of both. A refreshing swim in the Pacific Ocean is a welcome thing if you're vacationing in a Maui beach condominium. What if your sailboat capsizes five miles off shore? Same water, same temperature, different psychological response. How well you will be able to thrive in spite of your Idiot Boss depends on how aware you are of your own temperament and the chemical reaction when you and your I-Boss are in the same room. Your Higher Power is important to your understanding because He created you and your I-Boss. You're both swimming in the same water, so to speak. You are different creatures within the same system. But how different are you? You might fit together in some cosmic way you just haven't figured out yet. As you follow my journey to enlightenment, consider your own. Don't be surprised if you start feeling more peaceful and sleep better at night, which means you're getting it.

Choosing Cool Role Models

My horizons were internal for the most part. I was a nerdy Iowa kid, imagining great wonders for the future, all through the lens of Hollywood. I could have emulated Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments, but I didn't. He wasn't cool enough for me. Without some moral absolute about who this Higher Power should be and what He should look like, it's possible to travel well down the wrong road before figuring out that anything is askew. Cool is a natural condition, not a conditioned nature. Cool just is. God decides who gets to be cool and who doesn't, which has been a thorn in my theological side for some time now. All of my righteous indignation on the subject aside, as a rule, I-Bosses are not cool. Their uncoolness is a natural omission, just as other people's coolness is a natural gift. To what degree is coolness an inside-out issue vs. an outside- in issue? Does coolness emanate from within certain individuals or does it exist only in the way others see them? Maybe it's both intrinsic and extrinsic. My list of questions for God is getting longer. Think of your I-Boss. Who did he select as a role model? Is the role model cool or uncool? Can you guess from his personality and behavior? Can you believe that thousands of managers bought the article Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun, dreaming of someday having a reputation on the street like Attila? I don't have the exact numbers, but I doubt that Jesus as CEO sold as many copies as Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun or the sequel, Victory Secrets of Attila the Hun because hardcore business types didn't think the Savior had his profit motive in the right place.

Origins of Idiot Power

With a little power, I-Bosses can drive you crazy. With a lot of power, they can terrorize the planet. Not because they are evil, but because they just get certain bizarre thoughts in their heads. And that's dangerous in a head not designed for thinking. Where does idiot power come from to begin with? Is there a mother of all idiots? Is there a higher power reserved exclusively for the feeble minded? Is there an idol from ancient mythology all idiots worship? Do Idiot Bosses have little statues of their idiot gods hidden in little shrines in their closets? Do they have pictures of their idiot gods hidden in their underwear drawers? Are there secret, underground meetings of IBoss societies, with lots of chanting, incense burning, and draft beer? There must be some common, cosmic thread running through all workplace idiocy. Idiots at work all tend to think alike. Idiots at work all tend to walk alike. Idiots at work all talk alike. Most people can spot an I-Boss from 100 yards with their eyes closed. They all appear to be cut from the same cloth, if you can call Velcro cloth. When I was at the zenith of my career as an Idiot Boss, I always had something stuck to my shoe or the back of my pants. Nature or nurture? The belief that I-Bosses occur naturally in the random selection of nature raises some interesting questions. If becoming an I-Boss is a natural progression then the disorder must have its origins in the prenatal equation. For those who skipped their psych classes in college to catch up on sleep, the prenatal equation means in the womb. Was it a chemical imbalance or oxygen deprivation? The former is a pervasive, ongoing condition that can possibly be treated with medication. Neurological damage is harder, if not impossible, to overcome. In either case, it's people working for I-Bosses who need medicating. Sometimes Mother Nature deals some nasty cards. However, with early detection and extensive therapy, I-Bosses like me can turn it around and transform our oversupply of lemons into lemonade. Some I-Bosses can eventually conduct meetings and stay tuned into what's being said throughout, whether or not they understand or comprehend. If I-Bosses are caused by nurture instead of nature, the questions change. (That's environment vs. genetics for those that slept through Psych 101.) What did the child see when he first opened his eyes? Was there a "Wash your hands after using the restroom" notice on the wall of the delivery room? Did the kid look directly into the bright light? Something started the snowball down the hill. What if babies are switched in the nursery? What if the cool one goes home with the nerdy parents or vice versa? What effect does breast-feeding have on coolness vs. ultimate stupidity? There are babies who can't figure out how to suck on a breast when it is presented. Perhaps that's an early sign of management aptitude. If so, we're right back in the nature camp. To the advocates of the nurture argument, the influence must come incrementally, beginning in early childhood. When the post-World War II parents let their children watch Rowan and Martin's Laugh In, the fate of the next generation in the workplace was sealed. Iowa Basic Skills Tests, Petticoat Junction, Lucille Ball's seventh sitcom series, sock hops, sleepovers, hippies, dippies, yippies—somewhere in the middle of it all, the I-Bosses took control while the rest of the workforce was distracted. Once control of the workplace was lost, it became nearly impossible to get it back. How the cards are dealt Beyond the nature vs. nurture argument about how an idiot came to be an idiot, the larger question is, What can be done about it now? An idiot didn't become an idiot on the job. He arrived in that condition. Our characters are forged and galvanized long before we punch our first clocks.

The characteristics of a good boss are rooted in some mysterious combination of biological and social influences. Despite the research and inquiry we can conduct in the fields of psychology and neurological science, God still holds the human development equivalent to the Coca-Cola formula and He's not sharing it with us. Even the God Boss type has its origins in early childhood. If you really want to spend your time researching the God Boss syndrome, their moms might be a good place to start. If the God Boss ever hopes to enter recovery, he must accept and acknowledge there has been a slight case of mistaken identity. To expect a God Boss to ever acknowledge and accept such a thing is a tall order. After all, if you really believe you're God and then discover you're not, the only direction to go is down. The Machiavellian Boss was Machiavellian in kindergarten. Whatever made her aspire to the top spot started early and was well established before she stuffed the ballot box and was elected class president for the first time. Whatever made the Machiavellian think there is only room for one at the top of the pyramid came early on. Having been a substitute teacher in kindergarten classrooms enough to develop a nervous twitch in my left eye, I've observed young children don't naturally take to sharing. Kindergarten is a German word that means 'this is why you drink.' Not only do 5-year-olds not share, they have no innate respect for the property of others. Two statements I heard a lot in kindergarten classrooms were, "Dr. John, (So-and-so) hit me," and "Dr. John, he took my (fill in the blank)." The most common statement out of a kindergartner's mouth is, "Dr. John, I have to go to the bathroom." This paragraph conjures images of offices I've managed. It might be all children are born with the Machiavellian gene and lay claim to the mountaintop. Then they start getting knocked off one by one. If an older sibling doesn't do it first, their kindergarten classmates will. Some give up right away and occupy themselves with isolated activities on the periphery of life. Some try to climb back up the mountain only to be knocked off repeatedly. Gradually, over the years, each child abdicates his claim to the top spot, leaving only the most passionately driven Machiavellian to acquire and hold on to it. It's not a matter of brute force. Machiavellian children learn quickly that physical strength is not the key to success. Cunning is a much more valuable skill. If you notice a child in a kindergarten classroom sharing candy with another student, don't be seduced into the liberal mindset that there is inherent generativity (niceness) in everyone and it will blossom if only given the chance. The "benevolent" child is more than likely a Machiavellian Boss in training, and she is practicing the fine art of manipulation. I promise, if you teach a kindergarten class for one day, you will see more unholy alliances formed and betrayed than 50 years at the United Nations. Yet, if a Machiavellian ever hopes to enter recovery, she must acknowledge and accept that there are other ways to view success. Maybe there is room for a group shot on the mountaintop.